Life Plans

Life never turns out how it's supposed to. I'm realizing that now. SM and I are very similar in our search for what we are destined to do and be - aside from awesome, that is. We had the following conversation while tanning on the beach and making our life plans (we have to do it before we hit mid-30s, because we both are fairly certain we are going to die in a fiery car accident - we won't be traveling together in motor vehicles during this life plan, that's for sure). I'm considering dropping everything and just doing it tomorrow.

SM: We should move to California when we turn 30 and work at a beach bar.

Me: I’m in. And we’ll have an awesome beach house and go to great parties.

SM: And we’ll be skinny. For some reason, I have blonde hair in this fantasy.

Me: I’m comfortable with that.

SM: You know what, we should become nannies. That’s a great way to get to California.

Me: But we don’t like kids.

SM: Oh. Yeah, I guess that’s a good point. Beach bar, it is.

Love,

M

Come Sail Away

I don't know how exactly this camouflages the rifle, but who cares? It's PINK!

Rio and I went to the outdoors store Sail the other day to look around. I am not much of an outdoorsy person (surprise, surprise) but even I was impressed by all the things you can get there. By the end, I’m pretty sure Rio was regretting bringing me there.

Me: Will there be guns?!

Rio: I don’t think so.
Me: Lame.

*Entering the Store*

Me: It’s HUGE!

Rio: That’s what she said.
--
Me: Have you ever kayaked?
Rio: No, have you?! (The surprised look on his face was quite funny)
Me: Yeah, once. Just kept going around in circles.
Rio: Are you serious?
Me: It was HARD, okay?!
--
Me: OH MY GOD IT’S A SPORK!!
Rio: Oh god…*walks away*
Saleslady: Isn’t it amazing? And it’s pink! And look at this one! It’s really big!
Me: Oh my god, a bigger spork!
Saleslady: We should work together.
Me: We SHOULD!
--
Me: Oh, machetes!
Rio: I was really hoping you wouldn’t see those…
--
Me: CAMO!
Rio: You really love that stuff, eh?
Me: Duh … Check out this jacket I’m wearing! *Start dancing*
Rio: You’re on your own.
--
Rio: Um, Mal, I lied. Look. *Points to a WALL OF GUNS!*
Me: Oh my God. I’m overcome. I can’t handle it. I don’t think he’ll let me hold one, though.
Rio: No. No, don’t ask. Just look. Do not ask him.
Me: But this one is pink!
Rio: No.
 
We made it out alive. Me with a desire to go hunting and camping, and Rio with a desire to do neither of those things with me.

Love,

M

Nashville, Baby!

As mentioned in the post below, JT and I took a road trip to Nashville, TN for the Country Music Festival. Below are some more memorable parts to the trip that made it what it was.

“Famous” Guitar Shaped Swimming Pool

Our hotel was less that favourable – a bit run down – but so close to the main venue that appearance was overlooked (and exorbitant price was paid). Little did we know, however, that we were going to be privy to arguably one of Nashville’s tourist gems.

The guitar shaped swimming pool. Yes, that’s right. It was shaped like a guitar and had strings painted on the bottom. Um, obviously we had to swim in it. Cleanliness was questionable, but he and I swam in the Nile so…I think we’re immune to anything now.

Down Home Southern Food

We wanted to experience Southern food at its finest, so we asked the Front Desk Attendant where to go. She pointed us in the direction of Swett’s, a cafeteria style restaurant with THE most amazing potatoes, chicken, and macaroni and cheese that I’ve tasted.

But while the food itself was memorable, it was the experience we had as we drove up to the restaurant that really makes it stick out. See, JT and I are, well, white. And the Front Desk lady was…not. So she sent us to where she eats, which is frequented only – or so it seems – by the African American population of Nashville. We felt like we were invading their turf. Thankfully, they let us stay!

There aren't any black people in this photo but I assure you we were the minority!

Eric Church

Oh, hey sexy...

I love this man. Seriously. While all the performers were phenomenal, Eric Church’s performance of “Springsteen” will forever stick in my mind as the one of the best moments of the concerts.

Everyone in the stadium had cell phones and little key flashlights from another performer, and during the “oh” part of the song, everyone sang with him and lit their lights. I can’t even do it justice with words. YouTube it. I almost died.

Drunk Night

Friday night was our drunken night of debauchery. I honestly can’t remember most of it, but I do remember meeting an English man who invited us to visit him in Malta; trying to make friends with two people from Oklahoma who wanted nothing to do with me (rude); filling up our Diet Cokes with vodka from JT’s smuggled flask in the men’s washroom (there were men present in the washroom at the time. In order to make them more comfortable with my presence, I told them all that it was okay that I was in there because I knew how “they” worked. Meaning their, you know…you know); smuggling in little shots of vodka and Jack Daniels in my bra; and dancing on the bar of Coyote Ugly. There are pictures, but they are far too inappropriate and unattractive to post here. Somehow we made it back to our room. Neither of us know how.

Walmart Guns

Naturally, being in the South meant that we had to visit Walmart to see if there were any “Walmartians”. There weren’t, much to my dismay, but there WAS a section for hunting. Being a gun enthusiast such as myself (and by that I mean I really want to shoot one), I had to see if I could purchase one from Walmart. I couldn’t, as they don’t sell guns in the urban Walmarts, but they do sell ammo.

Me: “Does ammo mean bullets?”

Walmart Employee: “Ma’am, should you be shooting things if you don’t know what ammo is?”
Me: “Oh God no, not at all! I just really like guns!”
WE: “Um…”

After our conversation with WE about how there is a lot of paperwork to fill out and it’s really not that easy to purchase a gun, especially since we don’t have proof of residency in the US, another employee told us that there was a place around the corner that sells guns and, if we didn’t have the required documents, we would just have to pay an extra $30.

It really IS that easy to buy a gun in the States…

JT

What can I say that really captures how much I appreciate this guy? He has seen me at my worst, physically (you get pretty sick after swimming in the Nile…) and mentally (I wasn’t on meds for the majority of our travels…poor guy put up with more from me than he EVER should have), yet he still wants to be my friend. And travel with me! I will forever be grateful not only for his friendship, for his unwavering loyalty to me when I would have left me and my irrational moods a week into our friendship.

I don’t know where I would be without you, buddy! Thanks for everything!

Obviously, there were a lot more experiences in Nashville, but those were some of the funniest. Can’t wait ‘til next year!

Love,

M

Nashville Funnies

Naturally, we had to give the sultry look. Also Instagram is my new best friend. That shit is awesome.

My awesome travel buddy, JT, and I relived our past travel experiences together on our trip to Nashville, TN for the CMA Festival. Which, by the way, was so amazing that I almost died like 5 times from the sheer excitement (and maybe alcohol). While I construct a post about this amazing road trip, I thought a look into the conversations that I have with JT might be a fun way to really show the hilarity that I get to witness every time I travel with him. We traveled all over Europe together, and yet he still surprised me every hour with the things he said – there’s never a dull moment with that man.

“Malory, are you retarded?”
(In response to me saying that I hope we get searched at the border.)

“Sure, no problem. Then again, I am Jewish, so I don’t know how good I’d be, but I’d give him one hell of a fight.”
(After I asked him to sleep in the bed closest to the creepy back door of the hotel room.)

“Let’s go check out the Opryland Hotel. You love rich buildings and affluent people.”
(He wasn't wrong.)

“There is far too much interaction with the help in this hotel.” *Knock* “Ugh, can you deal with the help?”
(Let me just state that he is by no means a snobby person, and he was joking. Don’t freak out.)

“This position is supposedly excellent for women who have trouble reaching orgasm. Oh, Mal, perfect!”
(In response to my Cosmo Sex Positions app he was reading on my phone. In my defense, this WAS a joke. We do not have that type of relationship.)

“Oh my God, oh my God, I love this song, I can’t handle it. I’m going to die. Hold my hand.”
(Alcohol induced, of course).

“I’m so happy we didn’t take the truck.”
(After seeing all the transports lined up at the border.)

“They’re whole wheat pancakes so they’re no calorie.”

*I told him I was going to do something different with my makeup* “So make it look good?”

“I’m Jewish.”
(His answer to everything.)

I can’t think of anyone else who would have been a better person to go to Nashville with. He was the reason I had such a great time, and who I want to continue to attend the fest with year after year. Love you, buddy! Thanks for an amazing trip!

Love,


M

Gotta Have Your Girls

This post is a shout out to my wonderful, beautiful girlfriends. I don't know where I would be without them.

There are times when we receive information that proves to be a bit of a shock to the system, and my first instinct is to contact my girls (this includes my Momma). And it is in these moments - not the easy, fun times - that you know who's really in your corner and who is there for you because they genuinely love you.

My girls rally and prevent me from spiralling into a session of pity and sadness. They make me laugh, up my confidence, and make me realize how lucky I am not only to be where I am in life, but to have these beautiful women with me every step of the way.

You ladies know who you are, and I hope that I provide you with the same support and love that you do for me.

Love,

M