Wednesday Wonderings

Popularity

(These are the two that like to point out my loserdom. Pots calling the kettle black?)

So, basically, if you don’t know me well you might think that I’m super popular and spent my teen years partying with all my friends while drinking and dancing and doing whatever else teenagers do. For those of you who do know me well, you’ll know that none of the above is true. I went to the movies with my one friend and worked at a library. I wish I could say that all changed in University and I became the most sought after girl in my year and spent every night at a different bar fighting off all the men but secretly enticing them with my hair flips and winning smile. But I, again, watched a lot of movies with my best friend and studied in the library. Which is kind of unbelievable, right? I mean, I’m a lot of fun. And, like, I make really good jokes.
 
The thing is, it takes someone in your life to bring out the awesomeness, and to that I give credit to ED, who noticed my introverted personality and vowed to, in her words, corrupt me. She introduced me to wine, straight vodka shots, and completely off the wall, hilarious humour. Without that girl, I wouldn’t have been able to tap into my own humour, nor would I have been able to let go of my inhibitions and be outgoing. If I’m awesome (which I am), she’s beyond that.
 
Of course, I will always have my brothers to quickly remind me that no, you are not cool, you are actually kind of a loser. Last night, when I asked M if I could date one of his friends, R piped up with “well, first, he’s probably not interested…” Later, when we were watching a movie with a particularly pathetic and lonely character, M stated that I “could totally date him.” It’s a good thing I love them.

Tequila
 

…makes her clothes fall off? Not more so than any other alcohol. Makes her fall down is more appropriate. I woke up on Saturday morning and discovered a sizable scrape on my shin, and do you think I can remember how I got it? Nope! JL said it got it when walking home from the bar, which makes sense. I just wish I could remember. Fall down, go boom.

Patients

I hadn’t been at the hospital for a while, and I was really missing my patients. So when I went back yesterday, they did not disappoint. One of my regular visitors came in for a chat, and would literally not stop staring at my boobs. And not just a quick glance every few seconds. Blatant staring for, like, 30 seconds at a time. I didn’t know whether I should laugh or smack him.
 
I had a few conversations with patients that can only be truly appreciated in a word for word recount.
 
Me: Hi, Kim! How are you today?
Kim: My name isn’t Kim, honey.
Me: Oh, ok. What is it?
Kim: I can’t tell you; it’s top secret.
Me: …alright.
 
Patient 1: How long you been here, man?
Patient 2: 50 years
Me: What? How old are you?
P2: 51.
P1: You’ve been here since you were 1?
Me: I…okay. How old were you when you came here?
P2: 20.
Me: *Sigh*
 
Hungarian Patient: I have spirits in my house.
Me: That’s…I’m sorry?
HP: One of them touches me in a way that I don’t like to be touched.
Me: Dear god.
 
Love,

Bella

I'm So Much Cooler Online

This is it. Today is the day that I finally broach a taboo topic, that I finally discuss the one thing that everyone does but no one admits to: online dating.

People join online dating sites for a number of reasons, some of which may include busy schedules, desire to meet someone away from a bar setting or, and this is my personal favourite, they are just too damn awkward to initially meet someone face to face. I fall into the third category. It’s much easier for me to get to know someone, and have them get to know me, when I’m not concerned about what I’m wearing, what I look like, or if I have a booger hanging out my nose. It’s also very easy to weed out the players (for the most part), the stupids, and the schmoozers (who, for some reason, take quite a liking to me).

The players, well, they are fairly straight forward – they post photos of their abs, have self portraits taken in a mirror, and talk about how much they love working out and good sex. And yes, they emphasize the “good” before sex, as though it’s necessary. Hey there tiger, I think we all do – it’s really not imperative that you outline it in an online dating profile. It’s all about mystery, big guy. Let’s try to keep some.

And then you get the schmoozers that think that writing messages such as “hEy ThErE sExIi, U dA bOmB” will magically cause a woman to hyperventilate at the mere thought of meeting him in person, or choose the ever popular “sup” to woo his latest love. “Sup”?! You have one message to endear yourself to this stranger, and you choose to write “sup”? What do you even say to that? If you’re going to write a message to someone – which DOES take a lot of courage, I’ll give you that – try to make it creative. Or witty. Or hell, a sentence with more than one or two words. Just give it a try.

My favourites, though, are the stupids. Mostly because they make me laugh when I’m sitting alone on a Saturday night, contemplating getting a couple of cats while scrolling through profiles and reading the two messages that I received that week. A lot of the messages are just absolutely grammatically horrifying. They don’t know the difference between their/there/they’re (although I’ve been caught in that once – after claiming how much you hate incorrect grammar and extolling the virtues of being an English major, it’s a very awkward mistake) or your/you’re. “Your pretty”? Your pretty what? Finish the sentence…oh, that was it?

I’m honestly not a snob – I make mistakes just like everyone else. But the amount of head shaking that these men generate from me is worrisome. It’s not one or two mistakes – it’s using a phrase or WORD for Christ’s sake that changes the entire meaning of the message to one that was meant to be complimentary but ultimately resulted in being an insult. Case in point: one man – and this is the only specific reference I am going to make – wanted to chat because he was “dying of brain stimulation”. Dying OF brain stimulation? So, what, you want me to provide you with some mind numbing conversation about chewing gum? Poor guy. But really – if you want to impress someone by trying to sound smart, at least make sure you’re using the correct preposition. And it might help to have a dictionary or thesaurus open next to your computer. Flip through it every once in a while. Just…it might help. That’s all.

Love,

Bella