I'm So Much Cooler Online

This is it. Today is the day that I finally broach a taboo topic, that I finally discuss the one thing that everyone does but no one admits to: online dating.

People join online dating sites for a number of reasons, some of which may include busy schedules, desire to meet someone away from a bar setting or, and this is my personal favourite, they are just too damn awkward to initially meet someone face to face. I fall into the third category. It’s much easier for me to get to know someone, and have them get to know me, when I’m not concerned about what I’m wearing, what I look like, or if I have a booger hanging out my nose. It’s also very easy to weed out the players (for the most part), the stupids, and the schmoozers (who, for some reason, take quite a liking to me).

The players, well, they are fairly straight forward – they post photos of their abs, have self portraits taken in a mirror, and talk about how much they love working out and good sex. And yes, they emphasize the “good” before sex, as though it’s necessary. Hey there tiger, I think we all do – it’s really not imperative that you outline it in an online dating profile. It’s all about mystery, big guy. Let’s try to keep some.

And then you get the schmoozers that think that writing messages such as “hEy ThErE sExIi, U dA bOmB” will magically cause a woman to hyperventilate at the mere thought of meeting him in person, or choose the ever popular “sup” to woo his latest love. “Sup”?! You have one message to endear yourself to this stranger, and you choose to write “sup”? What do you even say to that? If you’re going to write a message to someone – which DOES take a lot of courage, I’ll give you that – try to make it creative. Or witty. Or hell, a sentence with more than one or two words. Just give it a try.

My favourites, though, are the stupids. Mostly because they make me laugh when I’m sitting alone on a Saturday night, contemplating getting a couple of cats while scrolling through profiles and reading the two messages that I received that week. A lot of the messages are just absolutely grammatically horrifying. They don’t know the difference between their/there/they’re (although I’ve been caught in that once – after claiming how much you hate incorrect grammar and extolling the virtues of being an English major, it’s a very awkward mistake) or your/you’re. “Your pretty”? Your pretty what? Finish the sentence…oh, that was it?

I’m honestly not a snob – I make mistakes just like everyone else. But the amount of head shaking that these men generate from me is worrisome. It’s not one or two mistakes – it’s using a phrase or WORD for Christ’s sake that changes the entire meaning of the message to one that was meant to be complimentary but ultimately resulted in being an insult. Case in point: one man – and this is the only specific reference I am going to make – wanted to chat because he was “dying of brain stimulation”. Dying OF brain stimulation? So, what, you want me to provide you with some mind numbing conversation about chewing gum? Poor guy. But really – if you want to impress someone by trying to sound smart, at least make sure you’re using the correct preposition. And it might help to have a dictionary or thesaurus open next to your computer. Flip through it every once in a while. Just…it might help. That’s all.

Love,

Bella