Reflections

This post is a result of my current reading material, Yoga Bitch, in which the main character tries to find a deeper connection to life than skepticism, cynicism, and coffee. Sounds about right!

There's a part of me that feels like I need to do, be more. More intellectual, more thoughtful, more creative, more insightful. I read books by authors that seem to have such intense, deep, colourful views of their experiences, and it makes me want those too. I want to be so moved by a novel that I've actually read as opposed to one that I know I should be moved by because my degree tells me I should and I skimmed it during my studies. I want to describe experiences and situations using adjectives and colours. I want to write thought provoking material that really makes me look at my life. I'm trying to do that even now - I choose my words carefully in the hope that I'll sound like these writers that I want to be like.

And this is what I mean. I constantly think that what I do and who I am isn't good enough - and not in a depressing way (well, sometimes it's depressing, but that's only when I'm having a pity party and I let myself dwell on past situations that made me feel not good enough) but in a way that makes me think that I need to be okay with who I am. Stop wanting to be prettier, smarter, funnier (well, I probably can't be funnier), thinner, happier, less quirky and scattered and awkward and sarcastic, more "normal". But Dr Suess had it right when he said that you have to be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the people that mind don't matter.

 

I need to stop dwelling on the people that perpetuate my insecurities and wondering why they don't think I'm good enough, and start focusing on those that appreciate my quirks and weirdness and myself in general. Because how else am I going to develop a sense of self security if I keep letting people and situations dictate how I feel about myself? I'm the only one with complete control over that (does this count as being insightful? It feels insightful).

 

I'm not particularly deep, or intense, or mindful. I don't have grandiose plans, nor do I know how I want my life to end up. I'm restless, scared, immature, selfish, shallow, untrusting, guarded. But I'm also nice, thoughtful, smart; I love my friends and family fiercely, and I love with my whole heart when I trust someone. I might be guarded, but when I love, I love hard. But I do want to be more honest, and not with others (though I could probably work on that - one step at a time!). I need to be more honest with myself - who I am and what I want.

 

Right now I want a snack. That's a good start, right?

 

Love,

 

M

 

 



Mindy and Danny NOT Kissing In a Tree

Aah I love them. But he doesn't like her hand on his shoulder. So why would they kiss?!

So Mindy and Danny had a moment. A really uncomfortable, awkward moment.

At least that’s how I felt.

The entire episode I was on edge, because I read a comment somewhere about Danny and Mindy and a potential “thing” happening. Well, it almost did, and I was physically uncomfortable watching it. I’m talking backed as far into the couch to get as much distance as possible from the TV screen (you know, because I was practically in the room with them) with my hands over my mouth, taking breaths in rapid succession (in hindsight, I may need to look more into the way I handle uncomfortable moments on TV – it hardly bodes well for my actual life…).

I don’t know why I had such an intense reaction to the two of them, but I’m going to wager a guess that it has something to do with the fact that, in real life, those two getting together would never happen. It just wouldn’t. He can’t stand her most of the time, and she thinks he’s too serious.

I love them both. I love the dynamic between them because they’re so funny together, and they’re clearly pseudo best friends. But they don’t work romantically. (Why does every friendship in television have to end up in a relationship?!)

This captures them perfectly. And it captures how they should stay.

There are a lot of TV characters that I hope will get together – Nick and Jess, for instance. They are meant to be, and I was so so happy when they finally made it happen. But Mindy and Danny are too opposite to even entertain the thought of them being together. He’s too uptight, and she’s too much of a hot mess (I say that in the most loving way possible).

I can only hope that this was just a moment of weakness for them both – Mindy is at a crossroads with Casey and potentially changing her life to head for Haiti, while Danny is in a relationship that is moving too fast with his ex-wife. They were seeking familiarity, and the two of them are nothing if not familiar with each other.

It was just a hiccup. Next season, things will be back to normal. Because I could not take seeing the two of them kiss. I could not. Just…ew.

And it’s at this point that I realize how invested I am in a television show. Well done on the
writers’ parts. Not well done on the part where I live my own life and have my own experiences that aren’t lived vicariously through fictional characters.

I’m still working on it.

Love,

M

Mother Like Mine

Beautiful Momma

The Band Perry’s new album has a song dedicated to their Mom – Mother Like Mine – that, when I listened to it on the train home from work, I started to cry (yes, on the train). It captured my own Mom so perfectly. My Mom is, and forever will be, my ultimate best friend, my biggest fan, and my safe place when life gets hard. This post is dedicated to my beautiful, strong, loving Momma.

A Blind Believer in All I Dare to Be

I have changed my mind about what I want to do and be in my life so many times, and my Mom has supported me wholeheartedly though every single one. She has let me make mistakes that she knew I had to make – even though she saw the outcome before I even made them, but knew I wouldn’t learn the lesson until I went through it myself – and never once said, “I told you so” (which, trust me, she could have said A LOT). She’s my biggest cheerleader, and I know I wouldn’t have done half the things I’ve done in my life without her encouraging me, and being there no matter what the outcome. She just wants me to be happy, which I am so grateful to her for.

She Takes the Midnight Call; She’s the Bravest of Us All

For as long as I can remember, my Mom has always made it known that we are to call her if we need her no matter the time. And I have – she was up with me at all hours when I was in England and having many freak outs, and she would sit with me while I was in tears on the phone. She’s the glue of our family, and our strength when things get tough. Even when her heart is breaking, she’s the one that still, without fail, manages to keep things together for her family. We’d be no where without her.

 

We All Need Her, But No One More than Me

I guess it’s a bit presumptuous of me to say that I need her more than anyone else in my family, but the bond I have with my Momma is one that I will need for the rest of my life. She’s my comfort and my voice of reason. No matter who comes into my life, she will always have a place in my heart that no one can fill but her. When times get tough, it’s my Mom I go to. I need her more than I probably should in my mid-20s, but she’s my Mommy. I’ll always need her.

The Dishes Would All be Cleaner

This one is just fun, but like seriously – how is my Mom’s house always so clean and good smelling? She has the Midas touch of making things homey.

 

No One Would Ever Wonder if Somebody Wanted Them

Cue the waterworks. It was this line that hit home for me and what really captures the essence of my Mom. No matter what I’ve gone through – the heartbreaks and the insecurities – my Mom has provided me with such unconditional love that I have never, for one second, felt like I was alone in the world. When I hit rock bottom of my depression and didn’t know if I could go on anymore, it was the thought of my Mom’s love that pulled me through. She has never let me question her love for me – my childhood through to this day has always been filled with I Love You’s and Momma hugs, and I will be forever grateful that I have a Mom that is so selfless and so loving. I know how lucky I am to have a Mom like mine. Her kids are her world, and I owe everything to her.

This one’s for you, Momma. Thank you for being you.

Love,

M

Not Made For The BIg City

Yeah, it's pretty, whatever. I hate humans.

I’m back in downtown Toronto for a month while I complete my placement – the final step before my program is done and I never ever ever have to go back to school.

(Fast forward 10 years when I decide, for fun, to do a Master’s in English Lit. To my future husband cat, please, at that moment in time, talk me out of it).

Ahem, so anyway, I’m in the same building that I was, right in the swanky part of Toronto. Things I have noticed in my week of being here:

-          All of the men are gay. Or at least dress like they are. It makes me uncomfortable that they can…fit…everything in those very tight pants. It makes me wonder if they have anything to fit…ya know? Many of my girlfriends talk about how sexy the downtown men look in their fitted suits as though they’re in powerful, executive positions. Meanwhile, I’m looking past them at the construction workers like, “Oh hey there, you ruggedly sexy man, you…” (Except I don’t say that to them…anymore).

-         Everyone is very small. I don’t mean like in weight, although that’s true. I mean in stature. The tiny, albeit lovely, girl next to me was sitting at my desk next to my extra large Tim’s cup and I couldn’t help but notice that she was about the same size as it. Like a giant’s cup next to a normal sized person. Naturally, I’m the giant. I was wearing heels the other day that, halfway through it, I had to remove them because I was acutely aware of how much fucking taller I am than everyone. The woman I work with is at the height of my boobs. Which…is probably pretty awkward for her.

-          A woman in the office looks and sounds like the Asian chick from Pitch Perfect. YouTube that shit. And then wonder how I don’t laugh every time she speaks (ie. I do).

-         I am acutely aware of myself when I’m in this city. Of how much I’m not used to the city life, and how much I feel like I don’t belong here. It’s very strange. But I’ve never been AS self-conscious (well, that’s a lie, but at least in the last few years) as I am when walking through these streets. Maybe it’s all the people. Maybe it’s their fashion sense and general aura. But when I’m here, I’m counting down the hours until I’m back in my small town. Even more, I find myself wishing I was going home to a farmhouse on a bunch of acres away from people and where it’s quiet. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the definition of anti-social. Nice to meet you (although probably not that nice).

-         Any desire for fashionable clothes and big diamonds is gone when I’m here. Yes, even big diamonds! What is happening?! It’s like I’m so against becoming a Torontonian that I go the complete opposite direction and try to make myself as simple as possible (and I’m a relatively simple person). The other day I called myself a farm girl. And then I laughed to myself. I’m not a farm girl. I have worked on a farm, but I don’t live on one. Who am I?!

-          I have a crisis of identity when among large swarms of people. Does this mean I’m agoraphobic? I hope not. I’m going to book a therapy session just in case, though…

 So those are my thoughts after my first week at placement. I’m clearly learning LOTS!

Love,

M

Best Early Birthday Ever!

Captures his personality perfectly.

I’ve written about JT before – my amazing travel buddy that I met while studying abroad in England, and who, aside from my family, is the only person who has truly seen the depth of my moodiness before I figured out what was going on (like, I’m talking before meds!) – and still stuck around. Whenever I talk about him, that’s one of the main things I mention. Very few people would put up with the shit I pulled!

One of the first trips we took together in Scotland - don't we look great?!

I’m so lucky to have him in my life and to count him as one of those people who will make me laugh, have my back, and no doubt make any endeavour we take on an adventure. This past weekend was no exception.

My birthday is in July, but since JT will be out of the country on the date (and before that, studying for the BAR – which he will ROCK), this weekend was an early birthday celebration. I didn’t know what it would entail or where we were going – he planned it all out – including the phenomenal meals that he made FROM SCRATCH (yes, ladies, he cooks) – but when we arrived at “Activity 1”, I wanted to cry.

It was a shooting range. A range where you shoot. GUNS. How did he know? By an offhand mention of it on my blog. Are you kidding me? Amazing, right? Unfortch, we couldn’t get in because something broke down in the range, but I was able to soak up the atmosphere, the men (oh, those MEN), and look at all the guns. I was in heaven – redneck heaven (my favourite kind). We’ll go back for his early birthday (though how I can ever top the surprise of that is beyond me).

 

Friends forever *love*

Activity 2 – a back up in case we needed it – was nothing less than horseback riding. He planned gun shooting AND horseback riding. Dear god. I can’t even make this post about anything but how much I love this guy. I don’t quite know why I got so lucky to have a friend like him, but I’ll be forever grateful that I do!

“Babies get colic.” “But we don’t put babies down…” – Talking about how colic is fatal for horses. A snapshot of his humour. I never stop laughing!

JT, this blog is all for and about you. Thank you for being you!

Love,

M