Reflections

This post is a result of my current reading material, Yoga Bitch, in which the main character tries to find a deeper connection to life than skepticism, cynicism, and coffee. Sounds about right!

There's a part of me that feels like I need to do, be more. More intellectual, more thoughtful, more creative, more insightful. I read books by authors that seem to have such intense, deep, colourful views of their experiences, and it makes me want those too. I want to be so moved by a novel that I've actually read as opposed to one that I know I should be moved by because my degree tells me I should and I skimmed it during my studies. I want to describe experiences and situations using adjectives and colours. I want to write thought provoking material that really makes me look at my life. I'm trying to do that even now - I choose my words carefully in the hope that I'll sound like these writers that I want to be like.

And this is what I mean. I constantly think that what I do and who I am isn't good enough - and not in a depressing way (well, sometimes it's depressing, but that's only when I'm having a pity party and I let myself dwell on past situations that made me feel not good enough) but in a way that makes me think that I need to be okay with who I am. Stop wanting to be prettier, smarter, funnier (well, I probably can't be funnier), thinner, happier, less quirky and scattered and awkward and sarcastic, more "normal". But Dr Suess had it right when he said that you have to be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the people that mind don't matter.

 

I need to stop dwelling on the people that perpetuate my insecurities and wondering why they don't think I'm good enough, and start focusing on those that appreciate my quirks and weirdness and myself in general. Because how else am I going to develop a sense of self security if I keep letting people and situations dictate how I feel about myself? I'm the only one with complete control over that (does this count as being insightful? It feels insightful).

 

I'm not particularly deep, or intense, or mindful. I don't have grandiose plans, nor do I know how I want my life to end up. I'm restless, scared, immature, selfish, shallow, untrusting, guarded. But I'm also nice, thoughtful, smart; I love my friends and family fiercely, and I love with my whole heart when I trust someone. I might be guarded, but when I love, I love hard. But I do want to be more honest, and not with others (though I could probably work on that - one step at a time!). I need to be more honest with myself - who I am and what I want.

 

Right now I want a snack. That's a good start, right?

 

Love,

 

M