Topics I Will Never Blog About

This is me.

I have to apologize to my readers - all 3 of you (kisses!). I haven't been writing much lately, and I will tell you why:

Because I have nothing to say.

No, seriously. I mean, I could write about my daily adventures to the mall (aka my place of work) and the work that I do, but that would just be boring. Also, I'm not entirely sure what I do.

So, knowing I needed to get my shit together and start writing more frequently or risk losing the minimal interest that people have in this blog, I decided to ask Google for some blog ideas. My thought was to use the ideas suggested to write a humourous and thought provoking post that would tug at heart strings while simultaneously entertaining and engaging my readers.

What I found were, like, 101 of the gayest ideas I've ever heard. So, naturally, I picked the dumbest ones and decided to criticize them in this post. So I guess it gave me something to write about, after all. Google, you're so awesome like that.

Run a contest. I'm pretty sure contests are supposed to have prizes. Which...no. And also, what would I do a contest for? The most awkward and embarrassing sex story? Actually...

Giveaway. Much like the whole contest prize thing, I'm not really on board with that. I could probably give away like...something from Dollarama. And then that would involve shipping to the winner of the giveaway and that's just too much work. But hey, don't get me wrong - I get that people love free stuff. I'm one of them. Once, I signed up for a credit card because I liked the t-shirt they were giving away. No, for reals. I did. I still have the t-shirt, too. It was from my University. Cha gheill!

Criticize a blog or person. Oh, hey, I'm doing that now! That's fun. Let's just continue, shall we? The suggestions under this topic are to make sure that your arguments are well thought out and firmly based in fact, and to avoid random ranting as it is pointless. HowEVER, I'm firmly dedicated to random ranting and going off about things that I have little - if any - solid information about. So I don't think this works for me.

Tell a personal secret. Yeah the fuck right. I like to keep my actual personal life relatively private. Sure, I'll make jokes and tell about things that happen to me with the people in my life, but like HELL am I going to start telling secrets on here. That's for when I'm rip roaring drunk and feeling extra lovey and share-y. Duh.

Write an inspirational or motivational post with famous quotes. I don't want people to hate me because I'm being all happy and inspirational and all "life is beauty-ful, yay!" I say that because those people bug me. You know, the happy and optimistic ones. Gross. (Unless of course you guys want some happy and inspirational posts, in which case I will Google those quotes SO fast).

Write down all the thoughts you had in your mind today. Umm, that's for Twitter, y'all.

Write down your monthly budget and personal expenses. This one makes me laugh. I don't have a personal budget. Because I don't have any money. Because I don't know how to budget. You see where I'm going with this? I COULD write a blog about how much money I spend on things that I don't need and/or already have - makeup, shoes, purses, candy - but then my parents might read it and I would get in trouble. Sad face. (Yes, I am an adult. Yes, I make my own money. And yes, sometimes I have to answer to my parents about my money because when I run out, they need to bail me out. Daughter of the YEAR. Also I love my parents).

Alright, I should probably do some work now. Kisses, hugs, and rainbows to all.

Love,

M

Gambling with Grandma

Sometimes my heart hurts from how much I love them

I need to preface this post with this tidbit of information: my Grandma is the coolest Grandma ever. And okay, maybe I’m biased. But she is. Just like my Grandpa is probably the unintentionally funniest guy I will ever meet. So instead of Grandma knitting sweaters on a Saturday night, she goes to the casino.

Yes, I was the DD. No, I didn’t have anything else planned on a Saturday night after taking Benny down to the lake for our weekly date. I never said that *I* was cool.

Another thing I should mention: Grandma is a seasoned slot machine player. Seriously. She has the casino card and the plastic springy thing to attach to her purse so that she doesn’t lose it. The woman does not fool around.

Grandma got settled on one of her favourite machines and, after watching her play for a few minutes, I decided to wander around the casino. The thing about wandering around a new place is that sometimes you wander into places that aren’t really meant for you. Like, for example, when I was little and video stores were still around, I ended up in the adult section of the store. My Dad didn’t realize it until I disappeared – I’m not sure if he was more afraid of what I would see or of my Mom finding out that I had got in there under his watch…probably equally both.

It happened again at the casino (except I didn’t end up in the adult section – I don’t know what kind of casino would have that…) when I wandered into the Chinese section. No, seriously. There’s a Chinese section. And guess what? They’re all Chinese people there.

I didn’t realize where I was until I was in the middle of the room and realized that there weren’t anymore fellow round eyes in my vicinity and Chinese characters everywhere (the words, not the people…although them, too). And I was clearly not welcome. They all seemed to stop playing and just look (albeit squintily…too far?). I backed away slowly and paid more attention to my surroundings after that.

Next I decided to try my hand at Roulette. After trying to put half my chips on black and half on red (not allowed, incidentally), one of the casino monitor guys had to assist me in whatever the hell I was trying to do. I did win $20, and that was enough for me (shout out to TF, who told me what to bet on since I was useless).

That was about enough time on my own at this point, so I went in search of Grandma who was doing her thing on the slots. We had decided to leave at 11:30pm, and it was nearing that time. As I approached, I was met with, “How about another half hour…?”

Badass, Grandma. Badass.

Love,

M