Dear Love: You Suck

I was sent this quote by a fellow blogger and friend and, after we bonded over the trueness of it, decided that one of us must write about it. I’m not sure my cynicism will help me compose this post, but it sure as hell won’t hurt.

Perhaps I should preface my rant with the disclaimer that, while I suppose I could say that I’ve experienced love, I can’t say that I’ve ever actually told someone that I love them. Because that’s terrifying. And after reading this, I’m pretty sure I’m really smart for doing that. It’s a weird emotion, this thing called love. I fight it, for some reason (I should maybe go back to my therapist…) and I don’t actually let myself fall in it. Not completely. Because I don’t like to fall. I don’t like that feeling of not being in control. Falling inevitably means that you’re going to get hurt. You never plan to fall. And I guess that’s what this quote is about. That it happens when you least expect it. And it hits you in the God damned face, so even if you fight that stupid emotion, it’ll still find you (even when it’s too late…thanks a lot, Love). It’s like the bad guy in horror movies. He always finds you.

Oh, speaking of falling – this one time I fell down in front of a bunch of people at school. That sucked. A lot. I wasn’t cool to begin with, so it really didn’t help. Plus, I was running like a numpty because my shoes weren’t on properly and I’m fairly certain I was wearing flowered pants. Not entirely sure.

Ahem. Falling sucks. That’s my point.

Why do people have more power over us than others do? Why does that one person – that one normal, everyday person – have the ability to turn us into blithering idiots, jealous head cases, and possessive psychos? I’m logical to a fault. I’ve always prided myself on being a steady, non-girl when it comes to men. But then all of a sudden one person can turn me into a fucking crazy person, jealous and annoying and needy. I hate that girl. Who wants to be her? I sure as shit don’t want to be. I make fun of those girls. So when I find myself acting like that, I basically want someone to punch me.

Okay, so I’m cynical because love has never really worked out for me in the past. Sue me. It’s exactly how it’s portrayed by our buddy Neil. It’s soul crushing. You are allowing one single human being to have your heart, and you’re trusting them to never break it. Dude. I’ve tried to do that. And it backfired. And the worst part? Just because that person stops loving you, doesn’t mean you stop loving them. So you’re forced to act like everything’s okay, and maybe act like you don’t care that they’ve moved on with someone else and are saying the same wonderful things to the new person that they’ve said to you. And even when you are able to move on and put that love in the past, it changes you. It makes you a little more cautious, a little more unable to trust someone to have your heart again.

Love sucks. It’s stupid. Whoever invented it was mean and stupid and probably really popular and had, like, 30 people at once loving them. Or they were super lucky and fell in love with someone that loved them back forever and ever, or at least until they were 30 and died because no one lived that long back in those days. They’re probably buried together and everything. Lame.

Commitment doesn’t scare me. Relationships don’t scare me. Even marriage doesn’t scare me. Those are all excuses. Love scares me. Because when you fall in love, you can get hurt. Bad. And I am NOT that emotionally stable to handle that kind of pain. And maybe worse than getting hurt? If you happen to fall out of love with someone that still loves you, you can break their heart. I don’t ever want to break someone’s heart. I would never wish on someone that kind of crushing, I-can’t-breathe kind of pain. And I don’t ever want to be the cause of it.

So, in review. Love stinks. It’s hard and it does not, in my experience, turn out very well. Even if it is all sunshine and rainbows for a bit, you’re always wondering if it’s going to last (or is that just me?). Hope this wasn’t too depressing for y’all. Go grab some ice cream and a sappy movie and cry your eyes out. I suggest The Notebook. Real people with tear ducts seem to find that emotionally moving. I’ll have to take their word for it.

Love,

Bella