Fake It 'Til You Make It

I really try to live according to this motto. I used to be very open about any insecurities I had, but then I realized that people that do that are really effing depressing. So I decided, on the advice of a girlfriend, to fake confidence until I actually developed some.

Well, let me tell you something. It's exhausting.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I much prefer being regarded as a self-assured woman than one that needs constant reassurance and thinks nothing of herself (for the record, I'm not actually that bad, though I still don't know how to take a compliment. That could be because I don't get them that often - oh, see what I did there? I changed from being depressing to self-deprecating. Which I think is hilarious as a sense of humour). But pretending like I don't have serious insecurity issues or that I believe I'm pretty cool? Good GOD, that's difficult.

I think that may be why I'm always so tired. Because inside, there's that little voice saying, "You're such a fraud. You are not at all the girl you're portraying. Just give it up." I really hate that voice. There are days that it overpowers me, or something is said or done when I'm immediately reminded that I'm totally faking everything. Even things that I say - I think back on it and think, "That doesn't sound like you." But it's who I want to be.

But - and this is where I want to incredibly clear - this isn't to say that I'm faking my personality; I'm just being the girl that I want to be. There's the self-assured, self-confident person inside, and one day I will be able to be that girl without actively trying to be. It will just be inherent. But I have learned that there are aspects about my personality that I don't have to fake that I'm actually happy with. I'm not ever going to be that lady-like, discreet (though I really should work on that part), demure girl. I can drink beer with the guys, but I can get dressed up and go some place fancy and hold my own without acting like a completely different person. My sense of humour is very warped and often inappropriate - but those that think it's funny are the only people that I want to be around.

I guess the point of this blog is to highlight the importance of ensuring you portray yourself as a confident person to the world, but not losing sight of yourself. It's good to embrace your flaws and appreciate your quirkiness - it's what makes you, you.

Love,

M