Change

I love the ambiguity of this sign for the purpose of this post, but imagine seeing it as you were driving somewhere? Um, no thanks, I'll just turn around...

"If you don't like something, change it."

 

I really like this statement - it perpetuates the idea of taking control over your own life and promotes the thinking that you are the only one who can make you happy.

 

But there's just one problem. What if what you don't like - what is making you unhappy - is something that you're doing in order to change your life in the long run? What if changing something to gain present happiness negatively impacts your future happiness? Is it still something you should do?

 

Does this statement apply when that change - a permanent decision - is the result of a temporary emotion - that is, unhappiness? I don't know. I don't know if being unhappy now while I try to navigate my way though this new phase of my life is worth potential - yet undetermined and unpromised - happiness in my career later. We all have to do things we don't like to get ahead, right? That's what I've heard my whole life. It's just that, sometimes, putting myself through things (even though they were my choice to begin with) that cause me anxiety and angst and unhappiness just doesn't feel worth it.

 

But then again, life won't always be good. There's a lot of bad that comes with the good. That's what makes the good so sweet. I guess it's about riding those waves and learning how to cope when things get rough. But gosh - the temptation to change things right now and run away seems so much more appealing than sticking through it.

 

And those are my thoughts on a quiet Saturday night.

 

I think I have some wine around here somewhere...

 

Love,

 

M

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Pretty accurate.

Well. I was super excited to go back to school. No more working in a job that felt so foreign and uncomfortable to me. Finally a chance to get on a career path and "start my life" so to speak. In fact, after 3 years of being done my undergrad, I couldn't remember why I hated it in the first place - I mean, aside from the whole depression thing. But, like, when I was there I still thought I hated school and not just because of the chemical imbalance inside of my head. But this past summer, I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. I mean, the schedule rocked. There was loads of free time (if you're a bum like me and can't get a job). Everyone who didn't seem to live in a dark hole appeared to be having a grand ol' time. Of course I was excited!

 

And then I went to school. The first fun, happy days were gone. We were getting into the "meat" of the courses. And I was brought back to the 4 years of hell (okay, slight exaggeration). I remembered why I hated it so much. I think I even found, well, not the reason for the depression and inability to communicate properly with classmates, but a pretty big contributor to it.

 

The anxiety! I'm not a perfectionist by any stretch (seriously, I half ass so much stuff, it's...[insert witty joke about half-assedness here]), but I AM a worrier. So now that I'm back in school, the anxiety that I had just happened to forget came screaming back to me. When I try to read textbooks, the time it takes and the amount of reading freaks me the hell out, so I lose focus because that's all I can think about. So I don't read. And then not reading causes me anxiety because I think I'm not studying hard enough and I'm going to fail and everyone else seems like they're reading everything so then I think I'm not doing enough by just going to class but then I try to read and I only get like a page in until my thoughts are gone and I've lost all concentration.

 

Ahem.

 

I worry. I thought to myself, "Ok, so maybe this whole reading thing isn't going to work out. You go to class, you pay attention and make notes (for the most part), you make Terms of Reference pages (I know, right?) for each chapter, and all of the slides are from the textbook and just highlight the most important parts. So not reading isn't the end of the world." And then I tell my friends of my predicament in hopes of receiving validation that not reading won't cause me to fail (thanks JV!).

 

Okay. So the reading thing is sort of taken care of. At least, I can talk myself out of my anxiety bubble for the most part. But then the assignments come. So I think, "This isn't like reading. It's something to DO, so you know you'll be fine concentrating on that." Yay me! And then I start the assignments. And the assignment anxiety starts up. What if none of these answers are right? What if I'm completely missing the point? What if I FAIL?! Cue loss of concentration and suddenly I'm curled in a ball in the corner of my basement with my hair all crazy softly singing to myself.

 

So then I'm just at a loss to do anything. I think about schoolwork and my stomach clenches and I get kind of weird(er) and dizzy. And you know what I realized? I'm anxious about being anxious. Seriously. I know I'm going to get anxious, which is a shitty feeling, so I get anxious about knowing I'm going to get anxious.

 

Unfortunately, my response to this is to run. Not physically, because I hate running. But metaphorically. Into a new program - maybe one that is for editing and publishing, because I love books. (You see, I'm also really good at convincing myself that any program AT ALL would be better for me than the one that I am in - of course, the height of this convincing is during Accounting, and probably because numbers make me break out into hives). Maybe into my Master's for English Literature! Yeah! I don't really like business anyway, but I lurve literature. I didn't have any of these problems when I studied it for four years or anything. I can just go back to University and study literature and - oh God, what if I can't think of anything to write for a thesis? What if I'm not interested in my topic? What if I FAIL?!

 

I need wine.

 

Love,

 

M

Worst. Student. Ever.

"What do you mean you read ahead and made notes? Outside of class? Wait - do I have to do that, too?" Also, my face when "learning" Accounting.

Being a student again has its advantages. I have a ton of free time. I get to live back at home with my parents, which I thought wasn’t going to be a plus but really is turning out to be. They have a sweet kitchen that I like to cook sit in and pretend that I own and, when they’re here, they my Dad makes me and my Mom dinner.

 

There’s just one problem. I have a ton of free time. “But Malory!” You exclaim incredulously. “You just said that was an advantage!” Yes, my friend, yes I did. It’s one of those pesky little positive-negative things. Very complex. Anyway, I thought I would take this year to really figure out what I wanted – you know, work on me without having a full-time job to suck up all the “good” hours of the day. I would work out, eat really healthy, take time to reflect, and put my all into my school work.

 

So far, I’ve wandered around my house aimlessly, worked out half heartedly once, gone to the grocery store eight times in two days (and bought nothing), microwaved most of my meals, had some baths, read the beginnings of about five (non school) books (with which I promptly became bored and continued to wander), scrutinized my skin in the well lit bathroom mirror for longer than I would care to admit, and stared at the counter as my hands laid poised over the keyboard of my laptop (which is as close as I got to actually making notes on any of the readings…ok, I didn’t even read them in the first place).

 

The other kids in my class seem nice enough (albeit for one whose throat I want to punch), if a little bit intense. They actually talk about the course content when class hasn't even started. My book isn't even open at that point in time. This is also why they will probably do much better than I will. I can’t say I’ve gone out of my way to meet anyone or become friendly with them outside of class, which I really have to work on. If I don't, I'm going to be stuck with Mr Know It All (not unlike Kelly Clarkson’s song of the same title), and if that happens then I’m almost certain I’m going to be kicked out of the program for some type of assault.

 

I might also want to look into some type of Anger Management class. I wonder if that’s an elective…

 

Love,

 

M

The Case of The Wayward Underwear

All the pictures I found of underwear were a little too risque for what I want to convey...

My mom changed the sheets on the bed in their spare bedroom and found a pair of leopard print panties in the sheets. She set out to find the owner of this garment...

 

Mom: Malory, are these yours?

 

Me: No, maybe they're K's.

 

M: They're not hers.

 

Dad [to Mom]: I think they're yours.

 

M: That's gross. Also they are so not yours, Mom. Wishful thinking.

 

Mom: Wishful thinking?! I'll show you! [Puts underwear on OVER her pants.] See?! [Struts around the kitchen.]

 

M: Sweet Jesus.

 

Mom: Who could they belong to?!

 

Dad: They're mine.

 

This is why I love my family.

 

Love,

 

M

Cheaper Than Therapy

 

Works better, too.

Some people turn to yoga, tai chi, reading, writing, even gardening, to calm their mind and refocus their energy. I run. When I feel like I'm going to break down in tears or when I'm getting overwhelmed by a crushing feeling of unexplained panic that makes it hard for me to breathe, I run. I run so that the tears can't fall. I run until the tears that do fall are replaced by sweat. I run until I'm too tired to feel anything but heavy legs and tight lungs.

 

I can't always explain why I feel panicky and unable to deal with the simple feat of getting through the day, but I'm learning how to replace the unhealthy coping mechanisms with healthier ones. I have always been the type to feel the need to run away from life when I start to feel this way, but I've learned that you can't run away from yourself. I started to run to work off that bubbling anxiety and panic and to avoid breaking down in a heap of unwarranted self-pity. And it works. It's not happiness that I feel at the end of the run, it's the ability to breathe and to feel better able to continue on with my day. 

 

 

However, there are those times - especially when anger is amongst all those negative emotions - when running isn't enough. That's when boxing comes in handy. Each strike on the bag is a hit back at the all consuming melancholy that threatens to take over. I may not have control over what happens to me, but I have control over how I deal with it. Hit the bag and cry. Scream. Get it all out. It's a form of therapy that is unparallel to anything else that I've tried

 

We all have control over how we react to what life - and depression - throws at us. Use your body to fight back. You might be surprised at the power you have within yourself to turn it around.

 

Love,

 

M

He's Just Not That Into You: Part 2

Noah hung off a freaking ferris wheel, he was so desperate for Allie to go out with him. Excessive, yes. But he sure didn't leave her with any questions as to whether or not he was into her!

As promised, here is the second half of the helpful tips to determine whether or not a man is "into you" (read the first half here). They all SEEM straight forward - that is, until we, or one of our girlfriends, find ourselves with a man that does one or more of these things and we begin to make excuses and exceptions to these rules. But the sad truth is that, for the majority of us, we are not the exception. We are the rule.
 

He's Just Not That Into You If (cont'd)...  

 

8)    He's Breaking Up With You. Sounds pretty obvious, doesn't it? That is until he comes slinking back wanting all the perks of a relationship without actually being in one. It doesn't matter if he wants to know how you/your family/your dog are doing. It doesn't matter if NOT being in a relationship with him takes the pressure off you two as a couple. It doesn't matter how hot the breakup sex is. He point blank said he does not want to be with you. Cut off all ties once those words are uttered. No continuation of a friendship. No taking care of his cat when he goes out of town. No breakup sex. He doesn't want you. There's a guy out there who is going to be so happy that you didn't get back together with your asshole ex-boyfriend, because he'll be able to treat you how you deserve to be treated.  

 

9)    He's Disappeared On You. Ah, yes. Many of us have been here. Everything was going great and then all of a sudden he's gone. Did he die? Oh my God, is he lying in a ditch somewhere hoping you'll come and find him?! Maybe his phone died and he can't get a hold of you! No. Most likely is that he just decided he wasn't into you. But then you feel like you want an answer because it was really super rude of him just to disappear, so you call and text and email and sit outside his house in an attempt to speak to him to find out why he disappeared so you can get closure. But that's just it - no answer is your answer. He's not that into you: "Don't give him a chance to reject you again". You're far too busy to mull over some coward who couldn't give you the time of day to be a man and SAY he's not into you. He wasn't good enough for you anyway.

 

10)  He's Married (And Other Insane Variations Of Being Unavailable). He's not completely able to love you. You deserve to have someone love you fully because you're so freaking awesome. Yeah, so his wife is a bitch/won't sleep with him/is a lunatic. Maybe he's only married for the sake of the kids. He's still unavailable. He's not yours, and as long as he's with her - or even preoccupied with her - he will not be yours. Don't be the girl who puts herself through turmoil over a guy who wasn't hers to begin with. Furthermore, don't be the "other woman". Karma's a bitch, ladies.

  

11)  He's A Selfish Jerk, A Bully, Or A Really Big Freak. Here's the thing - if you really love someone, you will do everything in your power to make them happy. Right? So if he's not doing that for you, that's a pretty big sign that he's just not into you. Moreover, "freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment." You deserve someone nice and normal (and by normal I mean someone who is into the same things as you - after all, normality is subjective). And besides, a man that is an insensitive jerk to you because that's how he was raised to treat a woman is NOT the kind of man you want to end up with. I mean, really. 

 

Look, we're all going to attract some not so great men in our lifetime, but only YOU can choose who to make space for, and who not to (and many times you're going to wish a man would read this book, because then he would understand that YOU are not into HIM - that's going to happen, too, because you're so damn fabulous and wanted). Don't underestimate your ability to say no to something or someone that doesn't feel right. I know this can be hard to hear because, let's face it - good men are not that easy to find. Sometimes it's easy to just put up with his shit because we think that being alone is worse. But I think, in the long run, it's not worth it to be with someone that leaves you feeling indifferent, mediocre, or not good enough (that one's the worst) when you deserve someone that makes you feel fantastic. Do. Not. Settle.

 

Personally, I think it's good to know these little tidbits that show he's not into you so that you can leave that man in the dust and find one that knows how wonderful you are. Why chase after someone that doesn't want you? This stuff may be hard to hear, but the right man won't have you guessing and wondering and having to read this book, because you'll know, right from the get-go, that he is into you. No questions, no interpretation. He will show you just how special you are to him because he couldn't imagine his life without you. And ladies, that's the type of man we all deserve.

 

Love,

  

M