The Token New Year's Post

Happy New Year!

 

There’s something about the beginning of a new year – both in January and July, the month of my birthday – that makes me sad. Which is pretty depressing, right?! My last birthday I felt an overwhelming urge to cry. It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to, mutha fuckas. Usually I look back on things that I was unhappy about at the time, and I can only remember the good stuff. That damn selective memory.

I’ve never been good at living in the present – I’m constantly worrying about the future or reliving my past, so when good things are happening in the moment, I rarely enjoy them. I think that’s why I’m always looking back – I want to relive the times that I took for granted, as well as the times that I didn’t stand up for myself because I thought that I had to act a certain way, instead of being who I really am. A lot of the time, I don’t truly say what I want or feel for fear of being judged, rejected, or hurt. I try to be the “cool girl” instead of me. Who is decidedly not cool. For serious.

You always hear people say to “live in the moment”. How do you appreciate what you have, really enjoy it, so you have fond memories instead of regrets for not enjoying it? OR how do you do what YOU want so that you don't look back and think, "Shit, I should have said this or done this"? I’m actually asking. Someone tell me!

This year, I want to try to live in the moment. I want to act from what I want and don’t want and how I feel instead of how I think I should be. I’ve spent so long trying to fashion myself into what I think other people want instead of who I want to be. And it’s exhausting! I rarely end up with what I want. Because in the end, I only end up regretting the chances I didn’t take, the moments I don’t appreciate, and the things I wish I could have said, had I not been such a complete boob.

Love,

M