(An idea totally stolen from Cracked.com)
Changing in the Locker Room
Where, for the LOVE of GOD, do you look when you are in a room filled with middle aged woman walking around with their boobs all out and then they try to talk to you and all you can think is “those are your boobs”? And what is the protocol when you are at the gym with a person you don’t know very well and you have to change in front of them? Like, I don’t want that person to see MY boobs. But YOU try changing in a tiny toilet cubicle when you can’t put your feet on the ground because…ew, and you’re kicking the cubicle walls and people have to ask you if you’re “okay in there”. And then you scream “YES I’M FINE” when really you just want to leave and never come back because you’ve been scarred for life and everyone knows you as the girl who has conniptions in the bathroom stall.
Doing Anything in the Bathroom
Why do people think it is okay for them to have a conversation with you while you’re peeing? We all know what is going on, don’t even try to pretend that you can’t hear the DISTINCT and UNIVERSAL sound that is peeing. It is not normal to have a conversation about the weather when one or both people are answering nature’s call. And what about when there is more happening than peeing (you know what I’m talking about, don’t make me say it)? Especially when you are in the bathroom with another socially awkward person and you’re both sitting there waiting for the other to FINISH UP ALREADY so that you can do your thing in peace. And then you realize that you are both waiting for the other person to finish because you both have to do that embarrassing thing that isn’t peeing and it becomes a sort of stand off between you two until someone gives up and leaves to go find another empty bathroom because they can’t stand the awkwardness of you both sitting on the toilet doing nothing. And during that time before one of you leaves, you CERTAINLY don’t want to let anything go because you actually recognize the shoes of the other person and realize that it’s your co-worker that totally gushed about your shoes and how amazing they are because you’re so stylish, so you KNOW she’ll know it’s you, too.
Riding on the Train
This isn’t much of a surprise, is it? But it’s still a really awkward situation when all you want to do is catch up on some sleep on the train because you get up at the God forsaken hour of 5:30am and you can’t control the way your body moves, what your face looks like, or how deeply you sleep (haha, it started to sound a little sexual there). Because more often than not, you WILL wake up with a jump and gasp and flail your arms about because your body knows you are sleeping in a foreign place and your subconscious is concerned about you not waking up in time for your stop. And you may even end up kicking your legs out to full extension, which then makes your entire body jerk and you narrowly miss the person in front of you and you can just TELL that everyone in your vicinity is desperately trying not to laugh because they are staring too hard at their hands for it to be normal. But then if you don’t wake up and some super nice person gently nudges you awake, you still wake up with a gasp and a shriek of “oh GOD” because you realize that the train is empty and it’s really embarrassing and then the nice person that woke you up is clearly wishing she hadn’t because she doesn’t know what the hell to do with your reaction. So you just try to stay awake as best you can by listening to music and reading, but you still end up with your head rolling all over the place and you know what, you just have to deal because those trains are amazing at lulling you to sleep.
Sweating When You Shouldn’t
I don’t know about anyone else, but I sweat a lot during any sort of physical activity. And I don’t mean a vigourous CrossFit workout or running to the candy store before it closes. No, I mean walking up the stairs or carrying some files to the file room. I just sweat all over the place and it’s really hard to hide. Especially when I can feel it dripping down my neck and I know that the person I’m talking to is trying not to notice but I can SEE their eyes following that tiny bead of sweat as it makes its way down, and when I try to discreetly wipe it away, they’re judging. I can tell. And I know they’re thinking “man, that girl sweats a lot! What’s her deal? Now it’s dripping down her forehead” and you’re still having a conversation but now you’re not thinking about what you’re saying, you’re just willing the sweat to STOP PLEASE, which makes you more nervous and makes you sweat even more. And because you stopped thinking about what you’re saying, you’re now talking about the embarrassing date you had with that guy the other night when the conversation should be about work because, after all, it’s with your BOSS. Or maybe the person you’re talking to is just a good friend or a guy you’re interested in and you’re sweating because, like, it’s hot, but it’s not noticeable because it’s thankfully stayed out of eyesight, but then this person tried to hug you since they love you or whatever. And you know they’re thinking “oh, that’s disgusting” but they can’t really say that and then YOU don’t know what to say so you both pretend that there was no sweat. But there was. And they will never forget it.
I feel awkward just writing this all down. I feel like I’ve given everyone a look into the dark recesses of my social awkwardness, and now things will never be the same again. But that’s ok. It’s alright. Because it needed to be said.
Love,
Bella
thats good dwight
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