I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Like I said.

So my job currently is a result of my past issues with depression. Yay me! Basically, because I suffered from a mental health issue and have since recovered, I work with clients with mental health challenges to provide them with hope and encouragement on their own journey to recovery.

Aw. Heart warming, right?

In theory. In reality, I have no freaking clue what I’m doing. People ask for my advice (many times…sometimes…okay, one time) and I literally have no idea what to say. So I just copy what I’ve heard other people say. Usually I just sit in meetings and nod my head (when I’m not falling asleep) and say “I agree with [insert name here]” when they ask me something (a little trick I picked up in University when I didn’t read any of the assigned texts). The saving grace is my patients, but even they expect more from me than I can give. It’s actually very eye-opening – what I went through is actually very common. You know what’s not common? Thinking you’re God. Nope.

Everyone knows I had to have gone through something to have my job, but my patients don’t actually take me aside to ask me about it. No, they yell, “SO YOU HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS?” in the middle of the main building where allll the executives reside. Including my future husband. And it’s quite interesting when someone comes up and says, “So, what are you? Schizophrenic? Manic? Depressive?”. My personal favourite was getting asked, “Do you have schizophrenia?” My response: “No, I have – wait, do I seem like I do?!”

Anyway, I was in a group the other day talking to clients about dealing with things day to day and how I got through bad days. And all I could think of that day was that I was, in fact, having quite a bad day and I had no idea how to get through it. I just stared at them. I’m not even sure what I said, though I think it was something along the lines of “the past is the past and the future can be terrifying.” Which I am FAIRLY sure is not very comforting to those with severe mental illnesses.

I’m so good at what I do. Please don't tell anyone.

Love,

Bella