Parenthood

(This is how I would be if I were ever to become some child's mother. Also, how I would be at work if they would let me.)

It has come to my attention that, if I choose to enter into the terrifyingly sticky world of parenthood, I will be either the worst mother ever, or the best. Probably both.

Why I Will Be the Worst Mother Ever

1. I’m not a huge fan of most children. I’m assuming that, to be a parent, one would have to have a certain appreciation for tiny people that are always dirty, make your house smell weird (seriously, a home with kids has the smell of dried milk), and grow up to be inconsiderate jerks.

I can say this because I was a child and I did grow up to be inconsiderate and moody for a certain amount of time. More moody than inconsiderate, but I was still pretty self-centred. I think I’d probably like my own kids, though, because I would raise them to be awesome and I wouldn’t let them be dirty and have toys.

2. I won’t let them have toys. See above. Toys get in the way and mess with the décor of a house.

3. I can’t understand a word children say. This would probably make me mad and cause me to stop listening to them altogether. Which I’m pretty sure isn’t a good thing to do.

4. I don’t like loud noises. Kids are always loud. They scream and they can be obnoxious little buggers. I don’t want that around me. That’s just annoying.

5. They’re small. I’d be afraid of stepping on them and/or running them over.

Why I Will Be the Best Mother Ever

1. I would let them do whatever they want because I'd be doing my own thing. To adults, this would place me in the “Worst” category. To me, children, and my patients, it places me in the “Best”.

I get really mad when people don’t let me do what I want. Thus, I would not want to tell children what they can and cannot do. How do I know what’s right? They would just have to be quiet while they do it and not cause disruptions either at home or in public places, because I hate when kids do that.

Further, when I ask my patients why they do some things they aren’t allowed to do, they respond with, “Because I like it.” Fair enough. I move on. When I ask them to stop playing poker and they say no, I say, “Okay.”

This is why they love me and I’m pretty sure staff hates me.

2. I’m funny. Yes, I am. Maybe not to you, but kids find me hilarious. So I’m pretty sure my kid(s) would just be laughing and having fun and eating cupcakes (I love cupcakes) all the time. And who doesn’t want that? As long as they weren't in my way while doing it.

3. In my head, my kid and I (which I have via sperm donor because I’m not sure any man in his right mind would voluntarily have a child with me) are best friends and we go on trips and shopping and are super close and they think I’m awesome. And I really like when people think I am awesome. I don’t know how this makes me a good mother…

So, essentially, I would have a kid if I could pick when I wanted it around me and when I didn't, and only if it was well-behaved, smart, funny, and clean. Without me having to do any of the things needed for that to happen.

This list clearly conveys that to outsiders, I would be a terrible mother. But to children, I would be an awesome mother because I am fun. Until I don’t let them have toys and make them wear a car air freshener around their necks to avoid the weird milk smell.

Also, let me stress that I do not have children, so please don't contact Children's Aid on me. Thank you.

Love,

Bella