Elf on the Shelf

The Elf on the Shelf is the latest craze in Christmas stories, and they fly off the shelves at work. They're also creepy as fuck and even though I'm an adult (technically, not in any other way, let's be real) I wouldn't want that in my house. Seriously. Look at the picture. And the premise is that these elves work for Santa and will report back on how the kids behave to determine if they're naughty or nice. That's all I know about them.

Turns out, I should know a hell of a lot more when I'm working in the kids section, because then I may have avoided the following awkward conversation with a little girl when she asked about these weird little fuckers.

Little Girl: How do you get the Elf out of the box?!

Me: That seems like an odd question. You open the box?

LG: But you can't touch him!

Me: Er...what?

LG: If you touch him, his magic disappears!

Me: Right. Naturally. Well. I think that once you got him home, he'd get out of the box on his own and then do...whatever he does.

LG: But then why does he stay in his box in the store if he can get out?

Me: You ask a lot of questions. Maybe because he knows he has to wait to get home?

LG: Oh. That makes sense.

Me: Thank god.

Kids are exhausting.

Love,

M

When Art Imitates Life?

The other night I was watching the Santa Clause 2 with my friend (pretty sure he wanted to kill himself. I was having a great time). There's a scene, when Santa is trying to find his Mrs. Clause, that shows Santa on a date with a super weird chick who's all into Christmas and wants to be a singer-songwriter.

In order to show her talents, she does an impromptu show in the middle of the restaurant, complete with dancing, singing, and arm flailing. It was embarrassing to watch, and I couldn't imagine anyone who would do that.

Apparently my friend could, though, because as she finished her song, he turns to me and says,  "I could see you doing something like that."

I think I hit him.

Love,

M

Daily Conversations Between Friends

Nothing about this photo seems wrong. It all seems very, very right.

SM: I'm going to get all snuggled in, watch Dexter, eat some chips and dip, then bed time.

Me: I'm gonna have a bath with hot chocolate!

SM: ...you're bathing in hot chocolate?

Me: No but that would be amazing!

SM: Marshmallows as bubbles?

Me: YES! OMG best ever. I want to live where that exists.

Love,

M

First Impressions

So it won't come as any surprise to people that have spent more than 5 minutes with me that I have a sarcastic, self-deprecating, and overall weird sense of humour. It also probably won't come as any surprise that not everyone understands it, and even less people that appreciate and don't think I'm a complete lunatic (and to them, I want to say that I'm sorry you have such a boring, regular sense of humour). The ones that most often think I'm a huge fucking weirdo are the guys in their mid 20s who clearly spend their time with "normal" girls who...well to be honest, I don't know much about these girls. I don't spend much time with them!

The other day, my Mom and I were at a boxing gym inquiring about their classes. Usually when I first meet someone, my humour kicks into overdrive because I'm actually super uncomfortable and nervous when meeting new people. So I made the following comments:

"Do the bags come back and hit you when you box? Mine does, probably because I'm so strong."

"Is there a dress code here?"

"There are girls that go to this gym, right?!"

"My boxing gloves are pink. Because I'm super tough."

At these comments, the guys just stared at me. Like, they had no idea what to say or how to react. That in and of itself was funny. I mentioned that to my Mom as we were driving home, and she replied, "Yeah, I noticed that, too. You may want to tone those kinds of comments down a bit when you first meet people. It's just...I don't think people know how to handle you."

Ah, and that final comment describes the base of my lacklustre love life. So very few people know how to handle me. Bless them.

Love,

M

Voice Chameleon

I find it a weird phenomenon how I always adopt the same tone of voice with people to whom I'm speaking - even if it's not anything like my actual voice.

I'd like to think I'm a pretty even-toned speaker. I don't have a super high, valley-girl-cheerful voice, nor is it deep and depressing. It's non-descript. But whenever I'm speaking to customers, I seem to take on this sugar sweet, butter-wouldn't-melt voice that, when I leave them, makes me wonder how they didn't punch me out of annoyance. Same goes for co-workers - part of me wonders if they think that I'm a total bullshitter who talks to them in super sweet way, but who is totally faking it. Mostly because I usually think that of other people. The thing is with me, though, is if I don't like you, my voice and face show it. It's somewhat of a problem.

My manager has a VERY cheerful voice, and I find that I talk like her when speaking to her face, and then end up thinking, "What the hell was THAT?" after I think about how I spoke to her. At least she's nice, and not annoying. I unfortunately did the same thing to a co-worker at the hospital when I first met him (yes, him) and he took that to mean that I was always that cheerful. I'm not. He is. We didn't get along very well.

The problem with adopting the same voice as the people I'm talking to, though, is that it becomes quite a shock when they find out that I'm actually pretty cynical - and cheerfulness to the point of sweetness drives me crazy. I still don't know why I do it, or how to stop it, but let me tell you - it's exhausting being that happy. I'll take dry and sarcastic any day.

Love,

M

"Where Are You From?

"What are you?" "What's your background?"

I've been asked some form of these questions by patients at the hospital, customers at work, Tim Horton's cashiers, people I'm meeting for the first time...and I don't really know why. I don't know that I've ever asked someone what their background is unless they have an accent, which I don't unless I'm drinking or talking out loud to myself...I mean, what? I was telling LM that I was recently asked if I was from Nicaragua, and she confirmed that, just looking at me, one may expect me to have an accent. I suppose it may be a bit of a let down, then, when I speak with a very Canadian accent.

Nevertheless, this question constantly catches me off guard. I usually ask for clarification, because I don't know what the hell they're getting at. Most times, though, whoever is asking is because they want to know why my skin colour is darker than the average white person. Now, I don't know if other people who have a more medium toned skin get this question, but I've been asked it so often in the past few months that I thought I would write a blog about it and get it answered here.

I am not Italian, Egyptian, African, Mexican, Brazilian (or any form of South American), Portuguese, or Native Canadian (all assumptions that have been made) - although sometimes I'll make something up just for fun ("Oh, yeah, I'm Mexican and Native Canadian - Ojibway tribe. My Native name is Tree Bunny Canoe Grass"). I'm Black Irish from my Mom's side, which means that I have Spanish blood mixed with Irish because of the Spanish Armada going to Ireland or something. I didn't research it in great length and I got bored reading it. I'm also French Canadian, though that's on my Dad's side and he is "average person" white.

Not as exciting as some hope, as I've actually gotten "Oh, that sucks, I thought you were [insert some nationality here]..." and I feel like I should apologize for not being what they thought. The best was when someone DID ask if I was Spanish, and when I said yes, they started rambling off in the language. I just stared at him.

First and foremost, though, I'm Canadian - many generations back Canadian, too! And that's the most important part of my "background" - everything else is just a bonus.

Love,

M

A Little Inspiration For My Beautiful Readers

 

Because who cares if someone doesn't like who you are? It's their loss, not yours. Don't apologize, don't try to change. Just be who you want to be. The people that mean something will appreciate, love, embrace, and celebrate all your quirks, faults, and intricacies, because they are what make you who you are. And that, sunshine, is someone who is pretty fucking special.

Love,

M

Bridesmaids and Red Wine

"Help me, I'm poor."

While this sounds like it would be a blog about every groomsman's dream, I have to disappoint the male readers out there; the title only refers to a night of good ol' brother-sister bonding over the movie "Bridesmaids" and continual refills of the red wine in our parents' basement (after the prerequisite questioning from him about my career choices and his voicing of concern for the scatteredness that is my life). I made dinner for the two of us (real spaghetti sauce - I'm basically a Food Network quality chef, no big deal) and we settled in to watch. Below are some golden nuggets of conversation and commentary from my increasingly intoxicated dear brother that are too funny not to share...

"Wanna get wine drunk? We'll drink wine and eat fudge and talk about boys."
--
M: Ok, let's take a break from the movie at 9 - I have to have a shower and then we can eat fudge.
Me: We're such girls.
M: Girls night!
--
M: This movie is you but you have a better car.
Me: I'm more successful.
M: Wellll...you were...now you live at home...
--
Remarking at the part of the movie when the main character - aka me - is playing tennis: "This part wouldn't be you becuase you wouldn't play a sport."
--
After he told me he was going to pay for my breakfast the next morning and I asked why: "Because you're poor and sad."
--
Speaking TO the clean eating fudge I made (it's so delicious! Find the recipe here) as he eats it: "I'm such a fatty. That's enough, this is it. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you..."
--
"This movie is all you, every character!" (Thanks big brother...)
--
M: She's wearing the bridesmaid dress! ...I'm so gay.
Me: No, she isn't.
M: Oh, good, that's less gay.
--
"Being a woman seems exhausting."
--
He was really getting into the movie at this point: "How is he the only cop in this town?!"
--
"Jon Hamm is awesome."
(If you've seen this movie, you know how bad it is that he said this. In actuality, my brother is a really sweet guy. I promise.)
--
"That's a sweet ass wedding thing. I'd get married in the water."
--
K arrived later on in the night - and the wine - and was received very enthusiastically by both of us:
M: K's here!
Me: Hi K, do you want some wine?!
K: I'm going home.
--
K: What'd you do all day?
M: Went to the gym, crushed the workout, no big deal.
--
K: I can't wait until you get grey hair.
M: Why? Then I'll look like George Clooney.
(This was directly after he tried to convince us that he isn't conceited.)

Hope you enjoyed reading the latest escapade of my crazy family. I know I enjoyed living it!

Love,

M (the writer of the blog, not the brother!)

We're Not As Bad As We Seem...

(Our characters will be played by the two women in show business that are basically our alter egos. Naturally, I'm the Indian one).

I don't think it's a secret to the five (ok, three) people that read this blog that SM and I are pretty strange. In a hilarious way, naturally (she's by far much funnier than I am - the exchange below will prove that ten-fold!). We can always count on each other to put a positive spin on the indiscretions we make as we go about our daily lives (and there are MANY for both of us). The conversation below is a little snippet that isn't completely inappropriate to post online with my identity attached to it. Think of this as a precursor to the book and/or tv show that we will be writing in the near (or far - we can be pretty lazy) future. I hope you all find us as funny as we do.

SM: Bad Samaritan award goes to me today! Little kid's bead bracelet breaks beads everywhere - there's one right by my foot. He cries because he can't find all his beads! I didn't pick it up.

Me: LOLOL a boy shouldn't have a bracelet anyway

SM: Exactly and his mom shouldn't let him crawl all over the busy street car floor.

Me: That's disgusting; you were doing him a favour.

SM: I possibly saved this kid's life! I change my mind - I'm a hero not a bad Samaritan.

Me: He could have died from a disease. Ya you're a hero!

SM: I need a medal and a key to the city.

Me: At the very least.

SM: I should call Children's Aid on that mom.

Me: Ya and he could have choked on said beads. She's so lucky you were there.

SM: Aahh I'm such a good person

Me: You really are; we should all try to be like you.

And this is how we have developed a false sense of being amazing people - this is just a tiny example of the way we put a positive spin on being horrible people. But if you don't have a friend to support you through your good and bad moments, you don't have much!

Love,

M

Make New Friends, But Keep The Old...

Don't we look like we're having fun? (This is not us...though if it was, I would probably be the black one, on account of her crazy ass smile and, you know, darker skin...)

...one is silver and the other's gold. Great song.

It's midterm time in the life of this college student so, naturally, I'm writing a blog instead of studying (I already studied, okay? And it's open book, so it's pretty much not a "study for" test anyway - right? This logic makes some kind of sense, doesn't it?).

So, anyway, September was kind of a shit month, what with my aversion to doing...anything, and my inability to concentrate on school or life in general (except wine - I could concentrate on wine). I didn't really make any friends during this time (even though everyone I spoke to about school would constantly ask if I was making friends, which made me feel like I was 5 years old and also really lame because I, you know...wasn't) but all that has changed. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have made two many friends (and yes, it took over a month. Shut up).

Now that I have met these awesome chicks, and we talk and laugh and look like we belong on a Noxema commercial, they have started to let me know what they first thought of me - granted, they do it in a non-descript way, but I can tell what they're saying:

"I'm really surprised you didn't sit at one of the single seats on the first day so you didn't have to be near people." (I think this has something to do with the fact that I exclaimed, loudly, how happy I was that I didn't have to work in a group for an assignment - what? I hate group work).

"Are you sure this is your real number? Are you giving me a fake number because you don't want to be sociable?"

"Malory hates people." (Actually, they aren't being non-descript at all, come to think of it...)

But now they know me, and we can joke and they can see how depressing hilarious I really am. In fact, ALL my classmates are getting to know me so well, that one guy even asked me what the homework was, and when I (naturally) stared at him blankly because I wasn't listening was engaged in something important, he responded with, "Yeah, right, why am I asking you, you wouldn't know...". I was offended for about 2 seconds before I realized that he was not wrong.

So anyway, it's nice to finally have people to talk to when I go to class, and who finally understand that I'm not a bitch, but actually just incapable of social interaction shy, and who know me for who I actually am. Cue heartwarming, after school special music.

Love,

M

Thankful Thursday

Love them.

I'm a little late with the post about what I'm thankful for in honour of Thanksgiving, but I was too busy enjoying that which I'm thankful for to write about it until now.

Every year, I'm thankful for the same things. Loving and supportive parents, close relationships with M and R, and healthy, awesome grandparents. But this year was different. For some reason, I felt more emotional attachment to this holiday, and I think it has to do with my family being more scattered than usual.

My parents are currently on a trip of a lifetime to Hawaii and Australia, M lives in a different town, R is busy with work, and my grandparents had been away for 10 days in the States. So when I finally got to spend some time with my grandparents and M, K, and R, it meant that much more. I missed my parents, but I'm glad that they're able to take the trip and I'm thankful for email, because it lets me keep in touch with them when they're halfway around the world.

I also realized how thankful I am that, despite the issues that I may have with school, I am able to attend the program and live at home and have that decision supported by my parents. I have the ability to decide what I want to do, and the means to go after it. 

But this year, the main thing that I was thankful for are my grandparents. They are the coolest - they aren't typical grandparents, and I'm so glad for that. I can talk to them about anything, and I laugh more with them than I do with some of my friends. I spent the afternoon with my Grandma, helping out in the kitchen (as much as I could actually do without ruining anything) to get ready for dinner. We took Benny for a long walk, and I sat in the living room and chatted for hours with both my Grandma and Grandpa about nothing and everything. I realized how lucky I am to have a close relationship with them, and to count them as much as friends as they are grandparents.

They take care of me when I need anything, and they are the very best next thing when I need a "fix" of the love that only a parent can provide. They would do anything and everything for their grandkids, and their love and dedication to us is something that I've never questioned. They're such an important part of my life, and I'm so thankful that they are healthy and happy. This post doesn't even really do justice to what I think of them, but I hope that it conveys a little bit how much I love them. The time I spent with them really drove home just how lucky I am to be their granddaughter.

And that's my bit for Thanksgiving. I hope you took - or take - the time to look at your relationships and realize how important they are to you. After all, isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about?

Love,

M

The Day I Almost Lost My (Pitiful) Life Savings to Rogers

This is an accurate portrayal of my reaction.

The other day I received an online payment notification from Rogers.

 

"That's strange," I said to myself, out loud and in a British accent. "I cancelled my account with them. This must be for any overlap that I used. It shouldn't be too much."

 

AMOUNT TO BE PAID: $790.

 

Excuse me?

 

I literally almost started to cry, because my bank account balance flashed before my eyes, and that poor little account could not handle a withdrawal like that. It just couldn't. (So okay, it wasn't my life savings but like...it was pretty close, you guys...)

 

So I called Rogers. And the conversation went something like this:

 

Me: [In a really high pitched, fast paced voice] "Hi I just got a bill for like a million dollars from you guys because it said I didn't return the equipment but I have the equipment I was just told that I had to give it back by mid-October and it's not mid-October yet so I didn't return it I don't know why I didn't return it yet I just didn't but I really really don't want to pay that money and I promise I will return it right away so I don't have to pay it right?!"

 

Rogers Guy: "Uh...sorry, what happened?"

 

We cleared it up, and all I had to do was return the items. Simple enough. So off I went. I arrived at the little kiosk thing with my grocery bag full of the items, and explained my predicament logically and rationally:

 

"Hi. So, I have to return this stuff, because I got a bill for like a billion [it went up] dollars since I kept it, even though I didn't have to return it until mid-October. Crazy right?! So we're good now though, right? Like I don't have to pay anything? Like all the money is off the account? Because I sooo do not have that kind of money. And I really don't want to pay that. So we're good? [At this point he actually swung the screen to face me in order for me to see that yes, indeed, the balance was zero, just as he said - poor guy]. Everything is in there. I included the remote. Just to be safe. Are we good?"

 

Then he almost took my bag. I told him he could have it if he wanted it but he said no. And then he told me to "enjoy". I'm not sure what I am supposed to be enjoying. My life as a crazy person, probably.

 

Love,

 

M

 

Stop Complaining!

I was at the gym tonight (second day in a row! Seriously, that's major), slugging it out on the treadmill running intervals (which, in hind sight, were way too intense for my level of fitness. I almost fell off), thinking about how much I wanted to stop and how easy it would be for me to get off and leave and no would ever know that I skipped out on a workout.

 

But I would know. And I would feel guilty. So I continued, the whole time thinking about what I would rather be doing and how uncomfortable I was (I also had come from a dinner out with some girlfriends, which, FYI, does NOT make running any easier), and how I could change what I was doing. I was looking for an out.

 

Surprise, surprise. I'm really getting tired of my "flight" response when things get uncomfortable or aren't what I expect. I expend so much energy worrying and searching for other things to do when I could be using it on actually sticking TO something and working through it.

 

I've resigned myself to the fact that while I may not enjoy my program at school, I've signed up for 8 months and I have to finish. I don't have a choice. I'll lose money if I don't and I have never been the type to quit at anything in school, no matter how much I wanted to or how difficult it was to get through.

 

And that's when it hit me. Why can't I apply that same knowledge to my workouts? No, I don't like them. No, I don't feel that great when I'm doing them, and I can think of 1000 other things that I would rather do. But when I feel that way about school, I still go. Because if I don't, then I won't pass. And if I don't work out, I won't get fit. It's simple.

 

I go to school because I have to. I made the choice to attend and I'm going to continue with it no matter how much angst and worry and discomfort it causes me. And I'll figure out how to cope with it in the best way that I know how. So from now on, my workouts will be regarded with the same outlook. I have a schedule. I know when I'm going to the gym (sure, there will be times when life gets in the way, but I'll have to adjust my schedule accordingly and make sure I fit it in some other time - just like I would make sure I caught up on the notes if I miss a class) and I'm just going to go. Even if I'm tired. Even if I'm sore. Because the only way that I'm going to see any positive changes in my physical fitness is if I stop incessantly planning out my strategy, and just DO IT.

 

Let's see how this works.

 

Love,

 

M

Change

I love the ambiguity of this sign for the purpose of this post, but imagine seeing it as you were driving somewhere? Um, no thanks, I'll just turn around...

"If you don't like something, change it."

 

I really like this statement - it perpetuates the idea of taking control over your own life and promotes the thinking that you are the only one who can make you happy.

 

But there's just one problem. What if what you don't like - what is making you unhappy - is something that you're doing in order to change your life in the long run? What if changing something to gain present happiness negatively impacts your future happiness? Is it still something you should do?

 

Does this statement apply when that change - a permanent decision - is the result of a temporary emotion - that is, unhappiness? I don't know. I don't know if being unhappy now while I try to navigate my way though this new phase of my life is worth potential - yet undetermined and unpromised - happiness in my career later. We all have to do things we don't like to get ahead, right? That's what I've heard my whole life. It's just that, sometimes, putting myself through things (even though they were my choice to begin with) that cause me anxiety and angst and unhappiness just doesn't feel worth it.

 

But then again, life won't always be good. There's a lot of bad that comes with the good. That's what makes the good so sweet. I guess it's about riding those waves and learning how to cope when things get rough. But gosh - the temptation to change things right now and run away seems so much more appealing than sticking through it.

 

And those are my thoughts on a quiet Saturday night.

 

I think I have some wine around here somewhere...

 

Love,

 

M

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Pretty accurate.

Well. I was super excited to go back to school. No more working in a job that felt so foreign and uncomfortable to me. Finally a chance to get on a career path and "start my life" so to speak. In fact, after 3 years of being done my undergrad, I couldn't remember why I hated it in the first place - I mean, aside from the whole depression thing. But, like, when I was there I still thought I hated school and not just because of the chemical imbalance inside of my head. But this past summer, I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. I mean, the schedule rocked. There was loads of free time (if you're a bum like me and can't get a job). Everyone who didn't seem to live in a dark hole appeared to be having a grand ol' time. Of course I was excited!

 

And then I went to school. The first fun, happy days were gone. We were getting into the "meat" of the courses. And I was brought back to the 4 years of hell (okay, slight exaggeration). I remembered why I hated it so much. I think I even found, well, not the reason for the depression and inability to communicate properly with classmates, but a pretty big contributor to it.

 

The anxiety! I'm not a perfectionist by any stretch (seriously, I half ass so much stuff, it's...[insert witty joke about half-assedness here]), but I AM a worrier. So now that I'm back in school, the anxiety that I had just happened to forget came screaming back to me. When I try to read textbooks, the time it takes and the amount of reading freaks me the hell out, so I lose focus because that's all I can think about. So I don't read. And then not reading causes me anxiety because I think I'm not studying hard enough and I'm going to fail and everyone else seems like they're reading everything so then I think I'm not doing enough by just going to class but then I try to read and I only get like a page in until my thoughts are gone and I've lost all concentration.

 

Ahem.

 

I worry. I thought to myself, "Ok, so maybe this whole reading thing isn't going to work out. You go to class, you pay attention and make notes (for the most part), you make Terms of Reference pages (I know, right?) for each chapter, and all of the slides are from the textbook and just highlight the most important parts. So not reading isn't the end of the world." And then I tell my friends of my predicament in hopes of receiving validation that not reading won't cause me to fail (thanks JV!).

 

Okay. So the reading thing is sort of taken care of. At least, I can talk myself out of my anxiety bubble for the most part. But then the assignments come. So I think, "This isn't like reading. It's something to DO, so you know you'll be fine concentrating on that." Yay me! And then I start the assignments. And the assignment anxiety starts up. What if none of these answers are right? What if I'm completely missing the point? What if I FAIL?! Cue loss of concentration and suddenly I'm curled in a ball in the corner of my basement with my hair all crazy softly singing to myself.

 

So then I'm just at a loss to do anything. I think about schoolwork and my stomach clenches and I get kind of weird(er) and dizzy. And you know what I realized? I'm anxious about being anxious. Seriously. I know I'm going to get anxious, which is a shitty feeling, so I get anxious about knowing I'm going to get anxious.

 

Unfortunately, my response to this is to run. Not physically, because I hate running. But metaphorically. Into a new program - maybe one that is for editing and publishing, because I love books. (You see, I'm also really good at convincing myself that any program AT ALL would be better for me than the one that I am in - of course, the height of this convincing is during Accounting, and probably because numbers make me break out into hives). Maybe into my Master's for English Literature! Yeah! I don't really like business anyway, but I lurve literature. I didn't have any of these problems when I studied it for four years or anything. I can just go back to University and study literature and - oh God, what if I can't think of anything to write for a thesis? What if I'm not interested in my topic? What if I FAIL?!

 

I need wine.

 

Love,

 

M

Worst. Student. Ever.

"What do you mean you read ahead and made notes? Outside of class? Wait - do I have to do that, too?" Also, my face when "learning" Accounting.

Being a student again has its advantages. I have a ton of free time. I get to live back at home with my parents, which I thought wasn’t going to be a plus but really is turning out to be. They have a sweet kitchen that I like to cook sit in and pretend that I own and, when they’re here, they my Dad makes me and my Mom dinner.

 

There’s just one problem. I have a ton of free time. “But Malory!” You exclaim incredulously. “You just said that was an advantage!” Yes, my friend, yes I did. It’s one of those pesky little positive-negative things. Very complex. Anyway, I thought I would take this year to really figure out what I wanted – you know, work on me without having a full-time job to suck up all the “good” hours of the day. I would work out, eat really healthy, take time to reflect, and put my all into my school work.

 

So far, I’ve wandered around my house aimlessly, worked out half heartedly once, gone to the grocery store eight times in two days (and bought nothing), microwaved most of my meals, had some baths, read the beginnings of about five (non school) books (with which I promptly became bored and continued to wander), scrutinized my skin in the well lit bathroom mirror for longer than I would care to admit, and stared at the counter as my hands laid poised over the keyboard of my laptop (which is as close as I got to actually making notes on any of the readings…ok, I didn’t even read them in the first place).

 

The other kids in my class seem nice enough (albeit for one whose throat I want to punch), if a little bit intense. They actually talk about the course content when class hasn't even started. My book isn't even open at that point in time. This is also why they will probably do much better than I will. I can’t say I’ve gone out of my way to meet anyone or become friendly with them outside of class, which I really have to work on. If I don't, I'm going to be stuck with Mr Know It All (not unlike Kelly Clarkson’s song of the same title), and if that happens then I’m almost certain I’m going to be kicked out of the program for some type of assault.

 

I might also want to look into some type of Anger Management class. I wonder if that’s an elective…

 

Love,

 

M

The Case of The Wayward Underwear

All the pictures I found of underwear were a little too risque for what I want to convey...

My mom changed the sheets on the bed in their spare bedroom and found a pair of leopard print panties in the sheets. She set out to find the owner of this garment...

 

Mom: Malory, are these yours?

 

Me: No, maybe they're K's.

 

M: They're not hers.

 

Dad [to Mom]: I think they're yours.

 

M: That's gross. Also they are so not yours, Mom. Wishful thinking.

 

Mom: Wishful thinking?! I'll show you! [Puts underwear on OVER her pants.] See?! [Struts around the kitchen.]

 

M: Sweet Jesus.

 

Mom: Who could they belong to?!

 

Dad: They're mine.

 

This is why I love my family.

 

Love,

 

M

Cheaper Than Therapy

 

Works better, too.

Some people turn to yoga, tai chi, reading, writing, even gardening, to calm their mind and refocus their energy. I run. When I feel like I'm going to break down in tears or when I'm getting overwhelmed by a crushing feeling of unexplained panic that makes it hard for me to breathe, I run. I run so that the tears can't fall. I run until the tears that do fall are replaced by sweat. I run until I'm too tired to feel anything but heavy legs and tight lungs.

 

I can't always explain why I feel panicky and unable to deal with the simple feat of getting through the day, but I'm learning how to replace the unhealthy coping mechanisms with healthier ones. I have always been the type to feel the need to run away from life when I start to feel this way, but I've learned that you can't run away from yourself. I started to run to work off that bubbling anxiety and panic and to avoid breaking down in a heap of unwarranted self-pity. And it works. It's not happiness that I feel at the end of the run, it's the ability to breathe and to feel better able to continue on with my day. 

 

 

However, there are those times - especially when anger is amongst all those negative emotions - when running isn't enough. That's when boxing comes in handy. Each strike on the bag is a hit back at the all consuming melancholy that threatens to take over. I may not have control over what happens to me, but I have control over how I deal with it. Hit the bag and cry. Scream. Get it all out. It's a form of therapy that is unparallel to anything else that I've tried

 

We all have control over how we react to what life - and depression - throws at us. Use your body to fight back. You might be surprised at the power you have within yourself to turn it around.

 

Love,

 

M

He's Just Not That Into You: Part 2

Noah hung off a freaking ferris wheel, he was so desperate for Allie to go out with him. Excessive, yes. But he sure didn't leave her with any questions as to whether or not he was into her!

As promised, here is the second half of the helpful tips to determine whether or not a man is "into you" (read the first half here). They all SEEM straight forward - that is, until we, or one of our girlfriends, find ourselves with a man that does one or more of these things and we begin to make excuses and exceptions to these rules. But the sad truth is that, for the majority of us, we are not the exception. We are the rule.
 

He's Just Not That Into You If (cont'd)...  

 

8)    He's Breaking Up With You. Sounds pretty obvious, doesn't it? That is until he comes slinking back wanting all the perks of a relationship without actually being in one. It doesn't matter if he wants to know how you/your family/your dog are doing. It doesn't matter if NOT being in a relationship with him takes the pressure off you two as a couple. It doesn't matter how hot the breakup sex is. He point blank said he does not want to be with you. Cut off all ties once those words are uttered. No continuation of a friendship. No taking care of his cat when he goes out of town. No breakup sex. He doesn't want you. There's a guy out there who is going to be so happy that you didn't get back together with your asshole ex-boyfriend, because he'll be able to treat you how you deserve to be treated.  

 

9)    He's Disappeared On You. Ah, yes. Many of us have been here. Everything was going great and then all of a sudden he's gone. Did he die? Oh my God, is he lying in a ditch somewhere hoping you'll come and find him?! Maybe his phone died and he can't get a hold of you! No. Most likely is that he just decided he wasn't into you. But then you feel like you want an answer because it was really super rude of him just to disappear, so you call and text and email and sit outside his house in an attempt to speak to him to find out why he disappeared so you can get closure. But that's just it - no answer is your answer. He's not that into you: "Don't give him a chance to reject you again". You're far too busy to mull over some coward who couldn't give you the time of day to be a man and SAY he's not into you. He wasn't good enough for you anyway.

 

10)  He's Married (And Other Insane Variations Of Being Unavailable). He's not completely able to love you. You deserve to have someone love you fully because you're so freaking awesome. Yeah, so his wife is a bitch/won't sleep with him/is a lunatic. Maybe he's only married for the sake of the kids. He's still unavailable. He's not yours, and as long as he's with her - or even preoccupied with her - he will not be yours. Don't be the girl who puts herself through turmoil over a guy who wasn't hers to begin with. Furthermore, don't be the "other woman". Karma's a bitch, ladies.

  

11)  He's A Selfish Jerk, A Bully, Or A Really Big Freak. Here's the thing - if you really love someone, you will do everything in your power to make them happy. Right? So if he's not doing that for you, that's a pretty big sign that he's just not into you. Moreover, "freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment." You deserve someone nice and normal (and by normal I mean someone who is into the same things as you - after all, normality is subjective). And besides, a man that is an insensitive jerk to you because that's how he was raised to treat a woman is NOT the kind of man you want to end up with. I mean, really. 

 

Look, we're all going to attract some not so great men in our lifetime, but only YOU can choose who to make space for, and who not to (and many times you're going to wish a man would read this book, because then he would understand that YOU are not into HIM - that's going to happen, too, because you're so damn fabulous and wanted). Don't underestimate your ability to say no to something or someone that doesn't feel right. I know this can be hard to hear because, let's face it - good men are not that easy to find. Sometimes it's easy to just put up with his shit because we think that being alone is worse. But I think, in the long run, it's not worth it to be with someone that leaves you feeling indifferent, mediocre, or not good enough (that one's the worst) when you deserve someone that makes you feel fantastic. Do. Not. Settle.

 

Personally, I think it's good to know these little tidbits that show he's not into you so that you can leave that man in the dust and find one that knows how wonderful you are. Why chase after someone that doesn't want you? This stuff may be hard to hear, but the right man won't have you guessing and wondering and having to read this book, because you'll know, right from the get-go, that he is into you. No questions, no interpretation. He will show you just how special you are to him because he couldn't imagine his life without you. And ladies, that's the type of man we all deserve.

 

Love,

  

M

He’s Just Not That Into You: Part 1

 

Okay ladies – I’m willing to bet that most of us have seen the movie by the same title as this post. Some of us may have read the book. And many of us (myself included) have been both enlightened and horrified by the messages conveyed and at the actions that we have all, at one point or another, performed in order to get the interest of a man. 

 

I decided to read this book again, after having found it while packing up my bookshelf in preparation for moving back in with my parents. And even though I’ve heard it all before, it still resonates with me as though I was reading it for the very first time. 

 

Disclaimer: These are not my thoughts specifically – they are what I’ve taken from the book. Please feel free to weigh in – I’d actually love if you did! Let’s see if the ladies and gents out there agree with the following…

 

He’s Just Not That Into You If… 

 

1)     He’s Not Asking You Out. Okay. This is the 21^st century. Women are taking charge of their lives, their wants, and their needs. (Supposedly) gone are the days when women shouldn’t ask a man out. What’s more is that we’ve all heard the reasons for why a guy may not be making the first (or second or third) move and asking you, this amazing, beautiful woman, on a date. Maybe he’s shy, or intimidated by you, or not sure of your feelings towards him, or lost your number, or busy. No. He’s not into you. If he wants to see you, to ask you out…he will. (I don’t even think it matters if you show interest or not…). Apparently it has something to do with biology and him going for what he wants. Whatever. Fact of the matter is that if HE wants to see YOU, he will make. it. happen. Case closed. And you know what? You are good enough to be asked out. You don’t want to have to convince someone to see you. You want him to KNOW that his life would be better with you in it. 

 

2)     He’s Not Calling You. Perhaps he was just so busy that he forgot to call you when he said he would, or forgot to call you at all: “When you like someone, they don’t just slip your mind”. If a man likes you, he’ll want to talk to you. He won’t forget. Do you want to be forgotten by someone? In the words of the author, “You deserve a fucking phone call.” 

 

3)     He’s Not Dating You. (Is it me or do all of these reasons sound the same?). A guy that’s really into you will WANT to be your boyfriend. He’ll want to be “emotionally protected” in the relationship and know that he’s yours, and only yours. If he sees you sporadically, chances are he’s not into you because if he really DOES like you, he’ll want to see you as much as he can. Apparently. He’ll want to make sure that you won’t be going out and meeting someone new because he wants you all to himself. One message that came out loud and clear from this chapter? Get to know someone as best you can before sleeping with them. A lot of the time we want to be the “cool girl” who just lets things happen and doesn’t have the “girly, emotional” chat about where the relationship is going. But here’s the thing – the ones that do have the chat know where they stand, while the “cool girls” often end up in arrangements that leave them feeling as though they’re not good enough to be in an actual relationship with. The part that really resonated with me is that we shouldn’t be guarding our feelings in the beginning to make sure that we don’t spook them – instead, we should be careful with giving out our emotions (and other things) until we know we’re with someone worthy of receiving them.

 

4)     He’s Not Having Sex With You. (I’m assuming this is when you are "dating" someone, because there are MANY men that will have sex with a woman without being into her. I think.). So, basically, if a man you’re dating is into you, he will want to touch you in some way. If he doesn’t, then he’s not attracted to you. Blunt, but it makes sense. Being scared, shy, whatever, doesn’t really cut it. If he’s attracted to you, he will show it. Do you really want to spend your time with someone who doesn’t find you attractive???

 

5)     He’s Having Sex With Someone Else. Cheating is not okay. Whatever problems you’re having does not make it okay for him (or anyone) to enter into a sexual relationship with someone else. Anyone who actively participates in sex with another person while still in a relationship with you does not respect you. I don’t care what the reason was. You want to be so important to him that he couldn't fathom fucking up the relationship by sleeping with someone else. End of story.

 

6)     He Only Wants To See You When He’s Drunk. You’re amazing, fun, and exciting enough to be with while sober. He doesn’t, nor should he feel like he does, need alcohol or some other substance to be in your presence because honey, he’s going to need to be at the top of his game to handle you!

 

7)     He Doesn’t Want To Marry You. If marriage is important to you – which is totally okay, by the way – and he is willing to let you go rather than marry you, then he’s not into you as much as you deserve him to be.

 

There are more to come, but this post would be waaay too long if I wrote them all here. Stay tuned!

 

Love,

 

M

Fitspiration Friday

I love this. It's so easy to make excuses and blame life, people, and circumstances for why we don't work out and eat healthy. But the fact of the matter is that if we really want it, we can do it. It's up to us to make ourselves into the people we want to be in terms of our personalities, but it's exactly the same when it comes to our physical appearance.

Figure out what you want, and then do it. You are the only person that, at the end of the day, truly cares if you succeed. Incidentally, you are the only person that has control over whether you succeed. Do it for you.

Love,

M

"Back to School to Prove to Dad I'm Not a Fool"

The only student lifestyle I know. Should really work on this.

Well. I've been seriously slacking in the blogging area, but there is a very good reason for this.

I have nothing exciting happening to blog about. Sad face.

I WOULD say it's because I'm super busy and important, but I think my blog is an area for me to be utterly truthful. This is difficult for me. I much prefer creating the illusion that I lead an amazingly exciting life. Naturally.

Anyway, the newest development in my life? I'm leaving my job (oh happy day) to go back to school for Human Resources Management. Super excited to be going on to something new, kind of excited to move back home to my parents' newly renovated home (though apprehensive at going back to living under their roof - good thing they're pretty cool parents), and a little hesitant to be a student again. I wasn't exactly the best student when I was in University, but hopefully things have changed since being in the working world and developing an excellent work ethic.

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

I'm going to try to be better at blogging. Really I am (because apparently I think people are really missing reading my writing. Aw. How cute of me). My newest addition to this blog will be "Fitspiration Friday" in my attempt at developing a passion for working out and getting fit. Sigh.

Love,

M

50 Shades of Grey: What's the Allure?

I was pretty excited to read these books. I mean, they were promoted as novels that would revolutionize women’s sex lives and encompass what every woman wants. Um, yeah I want to read that shit. Who wouldn’t?

I was a bit taken aback to find that the words “control” and “dominance” were used liberally in the book’s back cover description of Ana and Christian’s “love” story. Still, I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt.

It wasn’t until I was less than half way into the first book that I realized I wasn’t wishing I was Ana. In fact, I couldn’t fucking stand her. She has no back bone, no self-confidence, and reveres a man who follows her everywhere and tells her what to do. She thinks she doesn’t deserve this man and feels lost without him.

Are you fucking kidding me? THIS is what every woman supposedly wants? Not only to feel less of herself without “her man” around, but also a man that controls her every move and tells her how to dress, how to act, and what to EAT, for Christ’s sake? A man that gets off on dominating her to the point of punishment, expects her to submit to him, wants her to call him “Sir”, and not look him in the eye? That's good sex?

I would punch him in the fucking throat.

(And the fact that she doesn't end up signing his little contract doesn't mean she fights back against his dominance - throughout the entire trilogy she's more concerned with not making him angry than she is about what she wants).

But I kept reading. I was waiting for the racy and revolutionizing sex scenes. There were none. Seriously. If he wasn't trying to punish her, then they were gazing into each others' eyes. None of it was sexy, racy, or "blush enducing", as I've heard it described. I’ve read better.

I hope that women don’t read these books and think submission to a partner - sexual or otherwise - is something they should want or need, or that they shouldn’t feel whole without their significant other around. That’s some crazy shit, y’all. My momma raised me to be a stronger woman than that.

Love,

M

Happiness Scale

Isn't this photo SO artsy and meaningful? I thought so...

One of the groups that I have to attend with my job is based around recovery and it about recognizing your triggers and knowing what keeps you well.

Okay, so I didn’t realize that I needed a group to help me figure this out, but I also thought that it sounded like a cool blog topic.

Lately, I haven’t been feeling amazing. On the happiness scale, I’ve been feeling pretty low. It takes a lot to be happy, and some are just better at it than others (I am SO not one of those people). But I do know that there are some things that, when I do them, I’m more likely to feel calm, healthy, and happy. I invite you all to make a similar list! Yay!

1) De-Cluttering. It has come to my attention that the state of my apartment is in direct correlation to the state of my mind. It’s shocking. Michael G. Scott once brilliantly said, “A cluttered desk is a cluttered mind.” How right he was. When my apartment is clean(ish) and tidy, I sleep better and my mind feels calmer.

2) Eating healthily and less. I hate that this is a major factor in my happiness scale, but such is life. When I eat bad food, especially too much of it, I not only feel guilty, but the physiological ramifications of those food choices are enough to make me realize that I can’t eat shit and get away with it. I feel groggy, sluggish, depressed, and unmotivated when I eat things that aren’t “real” (ie. Chips, cookies, Kraft Dinner…). You'd think I'd learn and stop eating it...

3) Exercising. Again, I hate that this is a key part in my happiness, but when I move, I feel better. Simple as that. Not to say that I don’t love sitting around in my PJs watching movies all day sometimes, but if I haven’t exercised in a while, the guilt and the feeling of grossness (it’s a word) add up to a bad thing.

4) Laughing. Doesn’t matter with whom or at what, but laughing instantly ups my mood. I have a toolbox of movies and TV shows – and people! – to go to when I need a pick-me-up. Never fails.

Basically, it’s knowing how to take care of yourself. When you know what makes you happy, you have a better chance of keeping your “happiness scale” (I am so patenting that term) on an even keel.

Love,

M

Duck Blind

Huh. Really.

My "stepbrother", for lack of a better term, visited me and my co-worker at work the other day for lunch. Being in the military, he shoots stuff, spends weeks in the field, and knows how to do most outdoorsy things. AC, my co-worker, is a born and raised farm girl who grew up camping and shooting at targets. Both are savvy in the hunting/camping/fishing/outdoorsy world.

I, on the other hand, was born and raised in a small city and dislike camping, nature, and generally anything that involves being in the wilderness at the mercy of bugs, bears, and dirt. Unless we are camping near a sweet-ass lake and there are copious amounts of beer, bugspray, and people to do the hard stuff for me - and there is not a rain cloud in sight EVER - chances are that you won't find me anywhere near a tent for longer than a day. I like beds and air conditioning. Sue me.

Anyway, being with two like-minded people and talking about hunting meant that I tried my hardest to contribute to the conversation. It didn't work out so well...

Me (rather proudly): I bought this great hat that's got duck blind on it with pink trim and says 'Mossy Oak'! You know, like the hunting company!

AC: Duck blind?

Me: Yeah, like the twig-style camouflage!

RP: That's just called camouflage. Where did you hear the term 'duck blind'?

Me: My country songs...

RP: Right. 'Duck blind' is an actual thing, Mal. Like something you sit in."

Me: ...But the songs are all like, "Sitting in the duck blind"...I thought that meant dressed in special camo...

This comment was met with laughter from both of them. Even AC knows what duck blind is! I wonder how many people I've mentioned duck blind to like I know what I'm talking about. As my Mom said, I'm a smart woman, but there are just some things that I have no idea about...

Thank GOD I learned this before trying to hit on a guy that likes that shit...

Love,

M

Life Plans

Life never turns out how it's supposed to. I'm realizing that now. SM and I are very similar in our search for what we are destined to do and be - aside from awesome, that is. We had the following conversation while tanning on the beach and making our life plans (we have to do it before we hit mid-30s, because we both are fairly certain we are going to die in a fiery car accident - we won't be traveling together in motor vehicles during this life plan, that's for sure). I'm considering dropping everything and just doing it tomorrow.

SM: We should move to California when we turn 30 and work at a beach bar.

Me: I’m in. And we’ll have an awesome beach house and go to great parties.

SM: And we’ll be skinny. For some reason, I have blonde hair in this fantasy.

Me: I’m comfortable with that.

SM: You know what, we should become nannies. That’s a great way to get to California.

Me: But we don’t like kids.

SM: Oh. Yeah, I guess that’s a good point. Beach bar, it is.

Love,

M

Come Sail Away

I don't know how exactly this camouflages the rifle, but who cares? It's PINK!

Rio and I went to the outdoors store Sail the other day to look around. I am not much of an outdoorsy person (surprise, surprise) but even I was impressed by all the things you can get there. By the end, I’m pretty sure Rio was regretting bringing me there.

Me: Will there be guns?!

Rio: I don’t think so.
Me: Lame.

*Entering the Store*

Me: It’s HUGE!

Rio: That’s what she said.
--
Me: Have you ever kayaked?
Rio: No, have you?! (The surprised look on his face was quite funny)
Me: Yeah, once. Just kept going around in circles.
Rio: Are you serious?
Me: It was HARD, okay?!
--
Me: OH MY GOD IT’S A SPORK!!
Rio: Oh god…*walks away*
Saleslady: Isn’t it amazing? And it’s pink! And look at this one! It’s really big!
Me: Oh my god, a bigger spork!
Saleslady: We should work together.
Me: We SHOULD!
--
Me: Oh, machetes!
Rio: I was really hoping you wouldn’t see those…
--
Me: CAMO!
Rio: You really love that stuff, eh?
Me: Duh … Check out this jacket I’m wearing! *Start dancing*
Rio: You’re on your own.
--
Rio: Um, Mal, I lied. Look. *Points to a WALL OF GUNS!*
Me: Oh my God. I’m overcome. I can’t handle it. I don’t think he’ll let me hold one, though.
Rio: No. No, don’t ask. Just look. Do not ask him.
Me: But this one is pink!
Rio: No.
 
We made it out alive. Me with a desire to go hunting and camping, and Rio with a desire to do neither of those things with me.

Love,

M

Nashville, Baby!

As mentioned in the post below, JT and I took a road trip to Nashville, TN for the Country Music Festival. Below are some more memorable parts to the trip that made it what it was.

“Famous” Guitar Shaped Swimming Pool

Our hotel was less that favourable – a bit run down – but so close to the main venue that appearance was overlooked (and exorbitant price was paid). Little did we know, however, that we were going to be privy to arguably one of Nashville’s tourist gems.

The guitar shaped swimming pool. Yes, that’s right. It was shaped like a guitar and had strings painted on the bottom. Um, obviously we had to swim in it. Cleanliness was questionable, but he and I swam in the Nile so…I think we’re immune to anything now.

Down Home Southern Food

We wanted to experience Southern food at its finest, so we asked the Front Desk Attendant where to go. She pointed us in the direction of Swett’s, a cafeteria style restaurant with THE most amazing potatoes, chicken, and macaroni and cheese that I’ve tasted.

But while the food itself was memorable, it was the experience we had as we drove up to the restaurant that really makes it stick out. See, JT and I are, well, white. And the Front Desk lady was…not. So she sent us to where she eats, which is frequented only – or so it seems – by the African American population of Nashville. We felt like we were invading their turf. Thankfully, they let us stay!

There aren't any black people in this photo but I assure you we were the minority!

Eric Church

Oh, hey sexy...

I love this man. Seriously. While all the performers were phenomenal, Eric Church’s performance of “Springsteen” will forever stick in my mind as the one of the best moments of the concerts.

Everyone in the stadium had cell phones and little key flashlights from another performer, and during the “oh” part of the song, everyone sang with him and lit their lights. I can’t even do it justice with words. YouTube it. I almost died.

Drunk Night

Friday night was our drunken night of debauchery. I honestly can’t remember most of it, but I do remember meeting an English man who invited us to visit him in Malta; trying to make friends with two people from Oklahoma who wanted nothing to do with me (rude); filling up our Diet Cokes with vodka from JT’s smuggled flask in the men’s washroom (there were men present in the washroom at the time. In order to make them more comfortable with my presence, I told them all that it was okay that I was in there because I knew how “they” worked. Meaning their, you know…you know); smuggling in little shots of vodka and Jack Daniels in my bra; and dancing on the bar of Coyote Ugly. There are pictures, but they are far too inappropriate and unattractive to post here. Somehow we made it back to our room. Neither of us know how.

Walmart Guns

Naturally, being in the South meant that we had to visit Walmart to see if there were any “Walmartians”. There weren’t, much to my dismay, but there WAS a section for hunting. Being a gun enthusiast such as myself (and by that I mean I really want to shoot one), I had to see if I could purchase one from Walmart. I couldn’t, as they don’t sell guns in the urban Walmarts, but they do sell ammo.

Me: “Does ammo mean bullets?”

Walmart Employee: “Ma’am, should you be shooting things if you don’t know what ammo is?”
Me: “Oh God no, not at all! I just really like guns!”
WE: “Um…”

After our conversation with WE about how there is a lot of paperwork to fill out and it’s really not that easy to purchase a gun, especially since we don’t have proof of residency in the US, another employee told us that there was a place around the corner that sells guns and, if we didn’t have the required documents, we would just have to pay an extra $30.

It really IS that easy to buy a gun in the States…

JT

What can I say that really captures how much I appreciate this guy? He has seen me at my worst, physically (you get pretty sick after swimming in the Nile…) and mentally (I wasn’t on meds for the majority of our travels…poor guy put up with more from me than he EVER should have), yet he still wants to be my friend. And travel with me! I will forever be grateful not only for his friendship, for his unwavering loyalty to me when I would have left me and my irrational moods a week into our friendship.

I don’t know where I would be without you, buddy! Thanks for everything!

Obviously, there were a lot more experiences in Nashville, but those were some of the funniest. Can’t wait ‘til next year!

Love,

M